What if the Beatles had been computer freaks? — Ned Martin’s Amused

UNIX Man

To the tune of “Nowhere Man”

He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
for nobody

Knows the blocksize from ‘du’
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn’t he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, don’t worry
It’s the tube that’s blurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned

He’s as wise as he can be
Programs in lex, yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, please listen
My printout is missin’
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is your ‘at’ command

Write in C

To the tune of “Let It Be”

When I find myself in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, write in C,
Wtite in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don’t even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I’m sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80’s,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

Lucy in the sky with diodes

To the tune of “Lucy in the sky with diamonds”

Picture yourself with software to deliver
Your code won’t compile with two thousand tries
Somebody calls to walk through your new program
A girl with oscilloscope eyes

Silicon RAM chips that mess up your screen
Showering rays through your head
Look for your brain at the end of the day
And it’s gone
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes

Follow her down past her desk by a mountain
Of documentation, you ask yourself why
Everyone smiles as you fumble through spec sheets
That read so incredibly dry

Verification appears such a chore
Yawning the hours away
Climb up a wall looking for the dead code
Then you’re gone
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes

Picture yourself with your own new workstation
With parallel ports and a fast floppy drive
Suddenly someone is there with your paycheck
The girl with oscilloscope eyes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes

Lagman

To the tune of “Taxman”

Let me tell you how long it’s been
That’s 7K in 19 min
“Cause I’m the lagman, yeah, I’m the lagman

Should fifty baud appear quite sad
Be thankful it’s not really bad
‘Cause I’m the lagman, yeah, I’m the lagman

If you download sound, I’ll lag your clip
If you try to process, I’ll lag your chip
If you ftp, I’ll lag your zip
If you surf the web, I’ll lag your SLIP
Lagman!

Don’t ask me why it’s on the blink (a-ah, Mr. Thompson)
Unless you want to lose your link (a-ah, Mr. Gates)
‘Cause I’m the lagman, yeah, I’m the lagman

Now my advice for MPEG freaks:
You could be waiting several weeks
‘Cause I’m the lagman, I’m the lagman, yeah,
And you’re waiting for no one but me.

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
   Sits at the keyboard
   And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
   Finding some code
   That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Ah, look at all the lonely users...

Our system admins
   tear out their hair
   and they swear and some really do care
but cannot help us
look at us working
   spending our lives with hard drives
   ‘til our eyes start to go
what does it show?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps ...

I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow.

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me ...

I don’t want to leave it now,
I’m too close to leave it now.

You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know ...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know ...

Something in the initialization code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me ...

I don’t want to leave it now,
I’ll fix it tonight I vow!

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Imagine

Imagine there’s no Windows,
It’s easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine never-ending hard disks,
It isn’t hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
I hope someday you’ll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
Maybe someday I’ll be a cracker
And then I’ll make Windows run.