Microsoft Car — Ned Martin’s Amused

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You'd just calmly accept this, restart your car, and then drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to be shut down and refuse to restart. Then, you'd have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  6. Apple Computer would make a car that was solar powered, more reliable, five times faster and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
  7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before activating.
  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they'd neither want nor need them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately diminish the car's performance by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as before.
  13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off your engine.