Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Living is not worth dying for.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Plagiarism saves time.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“My computer NEVER loc

Procrastinate Now!

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Eschew obfuscation.

This mind intentionally left blank

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Broken pencils are pointless.

My reality check just bounced.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

On the other hand you have different fingers.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Velcro — what a rip off!

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Chipped dishes never break.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

System Error - Windows Loaded

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I had amnesia once or twice.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When in doubt, mumble.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Is there life before death?

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Wine divulges truth.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I think, therefore I am single.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Life... I don’t get it...

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

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