Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
Wine divulges truth.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
System Error - Windows Loaded
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
Velcro — what a rip off!
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
Life... I don’t get it...
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Living is not worth dying for.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
“My computer NEVER loc
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
I can resist everything except temptation.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Is there life before death?
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I had amnesia once or twice.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
Chipped dishes never break.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
I plead contemporary insanity.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Character is what you are in the dark.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Procrastinate Now!
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Eschew obfuscation.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
Broken pencils are pointless.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
My reality check just bounced.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I think, therefore I am single.
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
When in doubt, mumble.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
This mind intentionally left blank
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
When Chemists die, they barium.
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
System Error - Windows Loaded
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Plagiarism saves time.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
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