News Headlines — Ned Martin’s Amused
News Headlines
- Sitcom character learns valuable life lesson
- F111 pilots made to watch deep vein thrombosis video before taking off on air strike
- Yellow pages book yellowing further with age
- Omo-cut cocaine helps druggie clean up act
- Disney debating team criticised for Mickey Mouse logic
- Male feminist so appalled by porno he has to watch it six times
- Manufacturers discover eighth way to present bottled water
- ‘Star Wars’ fans now more despised than Trekkies
- Nosy accountant doesn’t like M.Y.O.B.
- Bookshop customer tailors purchase to impress cute attendant
- Action hero better shot than the bad guys
- Fat cow claims to have fifth stomach
- Packed out funeral forces promoter to schedule extra sessions
- Real estate agency refuses to give man change for parking meter unless he buys something
- Media celebrates 10,000th article about Tom Cruise entitled “Cruise Control”
- Cliff Richard’s sperm applies for pension
- Death metal track promotes Mormonism when played backwards
- Macdonald’s sceptic made to feel foolish by new ads
- Speed limit around schools reduced to 40 grams an hour
- Returning video less fun than hiring
- Cinema usher clearly aspiring to work in film
- Young lawyer always bragging about how late he stays at office
- Optimistic cow confident she can make it through “this abattoir thing” in one piece
- NewsPoll finds 100% of people think pollsters should be paid more
- Teen denied job at burger king after spelling “drive thru” correctly
- Noah regrets letting two termites onto ark
- Latest plastic surgery sees Cher reclassified as doll
- Unemployed metalworker seeks riveting job
- Iran battle of the sexes fairly one-sided
- Heart-warming cross-cultural comedy enjoys undeserved box-office success
- Pretentious man still insists on writing ‘cafe’ with an accent over the ‘e’
- Fog enjoys night out on the town
- John Edward Show bloodbath after Ghostbusters pay visit
- Small puppy much less cute with axe through it
- Unemployed screenwriter working on script about unemployed screenwriter
- Cadbury adapts old chocolate bar to new form
- Motoring section of paper left unopened again
- Dung beetle’s cooking tastes like sh*t
- 6-year-old experiences merry-go-round rage
- Bush sends SMS to bin laden: “>:(”
- Germans to trial shepherds that aren’t dogs
- Graffiti artist paints the town red
- Moth insists only attracted to light bulb for its personality
- Louvre tourist can’t work out where he’s seen Mona Lisa before
- Cornetto vendor at sports ground always out of the one flavour man wants
- Schoolgirls less pretty than men imagine
- Siamese twin suspects she’s being followed
- Office worker pins up amusing headline clipping about someone with same name above desk
- Sperm bank introduces online sperm banking
- Use-by date on yoghurt completely illegible
- Pepsi Blue inventor avoids eye contact with other Pepsi executives
- Journo compulsively scans media section for references to self
- Beautiful duckling grows up to be seriously ugly swan
- Drawing student quietly wishes nude model was better looking
- Bucks’ party not nearly as debauched as invite predicted
- Anchovy sick and tired of being left off pizzas
- Family pretends not to be home during red shield doorknock appeal
- Bridgeclimb operators to launch bridgejump for suicidal market
- Environmentalist predicts something bloody awful
- Man pressured to order Guinness at Irish pub
- Wacky guy in office still wearing a swatch
- Moviegoer remarks how steep candy bar prices are
- Man wishes neighbour would play another CD for a change
- Environmentally friendly alternative product not quite as good as normal one
- Chinese restaurant diners skip dessert once again
- Man leaves single square of toilet paper on roll for next user
- Necrophiliac accuses partner of being unresponsive in bed
- Christian rapper disses devil, gives big ups to Lord Jesus Christ
- Maverick cop’s gut instinct completely wrong
- Unknown author publishes how-to-write manual
- Woman wastes half toilet roll getting it started
- Child abuser was prick even before being abused himself
- Hoon family has portrait taken at red light camera
- Osama Bin Laden concerned about effects of allied bombing on cave’s Feng Shui
- Mother secretly hopes kid will come crying back to her after being warned not to
- ‘Australian idle’ winner exceptionally lazy
- Former boxer regrets doing “whatever it was” that gave him brain damage
- Curriculum vitae rejigged to suit specific job
- Man presses button 55 times to set alarm 5 minutes earlier
- Breakfast radio host expresses mock indignation at something other host says
- Mongolian lamb enters third day straight in bain marie
- New ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ boldly goes where every other series has gone before
- Movie character did everything for father’s love
- Fifteen horses drown in water polo disaster
- Latin dance craze requires contraceptive
- Forthcoming Europe greatest hits album tipped to include ‘The Final Countdown’
- Magician’s assistant perpetually embarrassed by lameness of act
- American tourist blends in seamlessly by saying “g’day” a lot
- Discussion at book club once again centres on real estate prices
- Mr Sheen expelled from Vatican after unstaining glass windows
- Room cleanup attains new urgency during take-home exam
- Shrub fantasises about pissing on dog
- Cheap couple send out wedding invites via group email
- Tosser always does harmonies when singing ‘happy birthday’
- Groucho Marxist revolution delivers slapstick to working class
- Rottweiler owner dodgy
- Girl agonises for whole week over meaning of guy’s text message
- Teen’s upgrade to a double bed proves unnecessary
- Adam Sandler concerned his baby voice may wear thin after 150 more movies
- After two dates, man already starting phone calls with “hi, it’s me”
- Wide screen TV almost as wide as owner
- Total fire ban hits crematorium industry hard
- Gay drag show venue full of straight tourists
- Motorway toll introduced to pay for upkeep of tollgates
- Classic FM now plays best of the 1570s, 1680s and 1790s
- Internet fridge sick of spam
- Child plays with slinkie a second time
- Once-a-year yoga practitioner now does Pilates once a year
- Men and women stop being different: breakfast radio ends immediately
- Jane forces Tarzan to wear the good loincloth to jungle ball
- Calls for tougher sentencing on killer flu’s
- Three-handed man able to scrape dinner into fliptop bin
- First day of Mike Tyson anger management course injures 6, kills 14
- World Health Organisation condemns staple diet: “you shouldn’t eat staples”
- Woman constantly checking her reflection in shop windows
- Office worker makes condescending small talk with office cleaner
- Latest Microsoft software contains over 300 more unused features
- Sponsored African child not as cute as sponsors hoped
- Freeman, Edgerton deny relationship rumours at their wedding
- Big Brother contestant runs out of banal things to say
- Houdini aborts attempt to escape Eddie Maguire
- Gary Larson office mug not as funny as it used to seem
- Hirer of disappointing video has not got what they paid for
- Cupid having trouble finding someone for himself
- Abseiling drama tipped to feature cliffhanger
- Magazine lists top 50 celebs by some category or other
- Starving Sudanese child sponsors Calista Flockhart
- New Donna Hay book great for people stuck with only a full pantry, fresh coriander
- Goatees all the rage among livestock
- Stored number on mobile a complete mystery to owner
- John Laws’ voice breaks for fourth time
- Girl sick of boyfriend always comparing himself to Holden Caulfield
- Entire theatre interval spent queuing for drink
- Cow sick and tired of people squeezing its tits
- Starbucks to introduce new jumbo 2-litre macchiato
- Doggie fantasises about sex in missionary position
- Not one word spelt correctly on restaurant blackboard menu
- Macdonald’s worker yet to see evidence that women like men in uniform
- Animal rights activist mink stops wearing own coat
- Man now averaging one lost sock per wash cycle
- Beggar now accepting all major credit cards
- Beta video enthusiast planning to upgrade to laserdisc player
- Waiter offers pepper grinder even during dessert
- Space probe mission to Mars will prove existence of space probes on Mars
- Partygoer claims to know the DJ
- Daughter notes father always around when Tatu video clip comes on
- Novelty answering machine message wears thin
- Robert Downey Jr finishes celebrating NYE ‘02
- Amputee frequents second-hand store
- Large jumps predicted in flea market
- John Cleese tarnishes final shred of reputation with lame new film cameo
- Local crime lords lobby government for more abandoned warehouses
- Manicurist archivist files nails
- Woman catches dinner date paying for meal with shop-a-docket coupon
- Football mascot fears he may be typecast
- Terror alert: medium rare
- 50-year-old couple renew their divorce vows
- Hare demands “two out of three” with tortoise
- Woman’s love of schnapps doesn’t continue beyond ski holiday
- Cinema finally screens movie 40 minutes after advertised session time
- Mr T knighted: dubbed ‘Sir T’
- Petrol with added ethanol angers motorists, delights deros
- Beverly Hills snail upgrades to tortoise shell
- Two-thirds of rock gig spent retuning guitars
- Sports buff in pub trivia team only listened to on sports questions
- Adam Sandler to star as bumbling lovable guy with tendency for aggressive overreaction in next movie
- Test newcomer Michael Clarke tipped to be nicknamed ‘Clarkey’ by teammates
- White male suffering lack-of-persecution complex
- Taxi driver discusses weather with 14th passenger in a row
- Low-fat muffin tastes worse than high-fat alternative
- Hollingworth still incorrectly being called Hollingsworth
- ‘Operation Smurfy Freedom’ destroys dictatorial Papa Smurf regime
- Tony Abbott blames unions
- Weather channel latest to launch new sketch comedy show
- Depressed window just wishes pane would go away
- Chanel bemused by failure of new ‘Eau de Cabbie’ fragrance
- Uni student spends fourteen straight hours talking up how big a night they’re having
- Turkey marks Anzac Day by celebrating great victory
- No-one realises busker is playing ‘Hotel California’
- Airline hostess enjoys sexual advance from overweight married executive
- Vegan baby demands to be breastfed soymilk
- Gender signs on nightclub toilet doors utterly indecipherable
- Pope caught perusing Koran in his bedroom
- C.A.S.A. grounds paper aeroplane
- Pudding detective finds proof in the eating
- Save Albert Park protesters happy with campaign’s progress
- Divorcing couple fight for custody of the TV remote
- Irritating pop song released in time for 2006 cycle of car ads
- Milosevic misses arbitrary abuses of power: applies for job as bouncer
- Oscar the Grouch finally shakes nickname with help of Prozac
- Suicide bombing festival cancelled due to rising insurance premiums
- Do not disturb sign deliberately ignored by housekeepers
- Drinker correctly identifies difference between chardonnay and chablis
- Educated woman caught by friend reading chick-lit novel
- Man realises during second date he’s wearing same shirt as on first date
- Office colleague perpetually lapsing into ‘Kath & Kim’ impersonations
- Cabbie changes radio station just as good song comes on
- Train station toilet more disgusting than commuter ever imagined
- ‘G.M.A.’ star Moira rocked by cash for comments claims
- Would-be skyscraper celebrates 20th year as hole in the ground
- Michael Jackson imposes height maximum at Neverland theme park
- Man has no idea how to describe his job at parties
- Awkward pause in conversation enters record tenth minute
- Microsoft won’t reveal when Windows 2004 will be released
- Even Eminem now sick of Eminem
- Squeegee guy reports poor returns at grand prix
- Man convinced female colleague’s work emails have ‘flirtatious’ tone
- Castro still holding out for imminent global communist revolution
- Son’s pile of Armistead Maupin books fail to give parents the hint
- Reader of second-hand book fascinated by previous owner’s margin notes
- Chinese hospitals face chronic tiger testicle shortage
- Slow week at ‘NW’ prompts Pitt and Aniston to split up twice
- Corporate sponsorship of ‘Playschool’ leads to exciting journey through the Macdonald’s drive through window
- Small country of indomitable Gauls still holding out against American empire
- Pathetic teen dweeb toughened significantly by Nike clothing
- Teaspoon found in sink after washing-up
- Café’s “freshly squeezed OJ” poured straight from bottle
- Smurfette begins to suspect glass ceiling may operate in Smurf village
- Man prefers to urinate in cubicle rather than at trough with others
- 28-year-old still finding ways of bringing HSC mark into conversation
- Burkina Faso sweeps ridiculed nation awards for eighth straight year
- Highway driver makes unconvincing ‘sorry’ gesture to hitchhiker
- ‘Simpsons’ fan recites entire episode while watching it
- Bob Ellis reminisces about his university days
- Corporate video plays badly with test audiences
- Cinema patron determined to leave spare seat between himself and others
- Trusting busker has hat full of IOUs
- Priest tells polite joke during sermon
- $10 gin and tonic mostly ice
- Fake log fire blamed for causing fake house fire
- Party guest’s hilarious story interrupted five times by canapé waitress
- DJ at housewarming party clearly just a friend doing it for free
- Jakarta Hilton puts Gideon Koran into bedside drawers
- Former 1927 band member still using 1927 as pin number
- ‘Mr Movies’ changes name back to ‘Bill Collins’ again
- Non-student still finds use for sine button on calculator
- Fish with body piercing fetish asks angler to ‘leave hook in’
- Barbershop singer leaves to join trendy hair salon quartet
- The Strokes back in studio to record ten new identical songs
- Videophone not a gimmick, claims videophone sales representative
- Rug retailer can’t keep Richard Wilkins away from their red carpets
- Barry White inhales helium to try to reach Middle C
- Pool player unnecessarily chalks after every shot
- Advertising exec mistakes coke-fuelled confidence for imagination
- Sweatshop union fights for 140-hour week
- Blues Brothers now available in a range of colours
- Geek’s hired escort fools no one at school reunion
- Flatmate’s sex life much less interesting than it sounds
- Al-Qaeda planning to fly planes into CD tower
- TV buff admits to losing count after ‘Survivor IV’
- Naked Chef finds pube in soup
- John Edward contacts ghost of his own credibility
- Eunuch admits to keeping penis in drawer at home
- Study finds that studies find what organisations funding them want them to find
- Mr Whippy driver sick to death of hearing ‘Greensleeves’
- Council election noticed
- Onion lover cries after partner chopped in half
- Answering machine message trying a little too hard to be funny
- Comedian reinvents stand-up comedy with bold new ‘grandmother-in-law’ routine
- Guitar shop customer clearly only knows one song
- Reader accurately judges Madonna’s ‘Sex’ book by cover
- Dwarf takes out limbo contest yet again
- Guy who works in finance tells every woman in bar how much he earns
- Woman makes special point of sitting in front seat of taxi
- Tardy Italian waiter brings caffe late
- CBD skateboarder finally lands a trick
- Family recipe passed down with decreasing enthusiasm
- Shops either side of coin laundry sick of giving out change
- Movie about college fraternity lost on Australian audience
- Comedian visits Mosh website to see what people think of him
- Politicians vote to grant themselves super-duperannuation
- Joe Dolce tribute band desperate for second song to pad out gig
- Optimistic ALP to use ‘Howard’s End’ campaign theme for third straight election
- P-platers win Channel 9’s national drink driving test
- Joke about pancake tossing falls flat
- Artist formerly known as Prince now artist formerly known as any good
- Fiancée secretly hates partner’s choice of engagement ring
- Goth bride and groom exchange nose rings
- Banana bread somehow unlike both bananas and bread
- Australia’s biggest dole bludger now earning steady income from ‘ACA’, ‘Today Tonight’ appearances
- Marcel Marceau accused of miming at recent concert
- FIFA culls Socceroos
- Dorothy Parker admired by someone who’s never read her work
- Persian rug store regrets updating name to Iranian rug store
- Passive-aggressive man sits back threateningly
- Even Wiggles beginning to tire of ‘Hot Potato’ song
- Renaissance nudes not as good as ‘Hustler’, concludes teen
- Office worker spends entire day emailing
- Seismological survey turns out to be on shaky ground
- Cast of ‘friends’ now asking for $1 million each per line
- Guy’s entire wardrobe hated by girlfriend
- Manga film plot incomprehensible even to Japanese audience
- Texan environmentalist invents solar-powered electric chair
- Sh*tty weather grudgingly acknowledged as “good for farmers”
- Pat rafter named Bermudan of the year for tax purposes
- Qantas in-flight magazine profiles Buenos Aires yet again
- Darren Gough retires from being too injured to play for England
- Wireless Internet dramatically improves nerd’s social life
- Diva insists on seventh curtain call despite audience leaving
- Faulty pokie gives punter fair chance
- Natasha Ryan “kind of missing” the cupboard
- Passing bushwalkers give each other mandatory nod
- Buying train ticket from machine takes longer than queuing at window
- Man relieved to get first fart of new relationship out of the way
- Culkin brothers now officially outnumbering Baldwin brothers
- Computer industry already warning of Y3k bug
- Man on date hopes giving to beggar will help him get sex
- Pessimistic 3M analysts predict sticky end
- Poached eggs stolen
- Bandanna not as fashionable as wearer thinks
- Diff’rent Strokes guy finally works out what Willis was talking about
- Macdonald’s corners monk market with Gregorian Big Mac chant
- Turkish film stars walk down Persian red carpet
- Deeply personal attack softened by “present company excluded”
- N.M.E. critic unable to admit he enjoys Robbie Williams
- Feminist opinion piece cites ‘Sex and the City’ to support argument
- Hotel guest steals miniature toiletries but never uses them
- Dodgy Chinese restaurant introduces Yuk Cha menu
- Newly single man tells himself right to keep toilet seat up will compensate for lack of sex
- Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into backpacker bar
- Rising petrol prices see kids sniffing natural gas
- League fan now denies ever being interested in 2002 soccer world cup
- Picky beggar still a chooser
- Japanese characters on western clothes now as cool as western characters on Japanese clothes
- Cockroaches, Richard Wilkins’ hair tipped to survive nuclear holocaust
- Beginner web designer still on htm-L plates
- Man regrets sending condolence card with humorous risqué cartoon
- 80s hit not yet revived as tepid dance track
- Kirk Cameron caught watching old tapes of ‘Growing Pains’
- Occam’s Razor now comes with lubricating strip
- Overly honest girlfriend tries to comfort dumped boyfriend by saying “It’s not you, it’s this other guy I’m seeing”
- Overbooking of guests on ‘Rove Live’ leads to multiple personality disorder
- High school student can’t believe T.S. Eliot understood, like, exactly the way he feels
- Bear denied kiss due to post-hibernation breath
- Man worried what new girlfriend might make of his Star Wars undies
- Ten soon to screen 1,000,000th repeat episode of ‘The Simpsons’
- Newsbar item derived from obscure real-live observation
- Nutter on public transport unnerved by even bigger nutter
- Solo cook spoils broth
- Musical retard thinks he’s a bongo maestro
- Tour bus driver’s jokes draw lukewarm response
- Gym membership expires before being used
- Stand-up comedian retires to become heckler
- Twin senses brother’s lack of E.S.P.
- Peter Andre autograph less valuable today than collector hoped
- Film critic unsure if John Malkovich is great or terrible actor
- Hermaphrodites sexually harass themself
- John Farnham already thinking about another ‘Last Time’ tour
- Drunken man writes stupid idea on back of coaster
- Hotmail address receives non-spam email
- Rapper loves booty
- Journalist admits he got his career direction from ‘press gang’
- Kournikova defeated during social hit with friends
- Nerd couple take romantic walk along beach while holding handhelds
- Cherry Ripe manufacturer regrets release of Prune Ripe
- Comedian badly overestimates lifespan of his John Hopoate material
- Difference between flat white and latte discussed on coffee date
- Retro caveman dresses like monkey
- Man clearly thinking of ex-girlfriend during sex
- Foreign movie star loves Australia
- Gym junkie wears sleeveless top in subzero conditions
- Bird watcher accused of storking
- Commuter celebrates 10 years of avoiding eye contact
- Channel 7 secretly grooming Squires to take over ‘Wheel’
- Pretentious git takes up yachting
- Diesel shirt more polluting than LPG equivalent
- Colonel Sanders court-martialled for ‘mashies’ ad
- Gideon tired of forgetting his bible in hotel rooms
- Anthony Mundine given long odds against shadow boxer
- Radio DJ tries to find link between song he just played and topic he’s talking about
- Management consultant unable to explain what she does for a living
- Advertised “huge DVD sale” turns out to only apply to Westerns, Adam Sandler movies
- Adult at restaurant secretly desperate to order pink lemonade
- Law graduate does token stint at community legal centre before joining top firm
- Teen movie features gratuitous shower-perving scene
- UK tabloid releases exclusive first pics of Diana’s rotting skeleton
- Infomercial product less impressive when delivered
- Discount supermodel gets out of bed for $9999.99
- Man unsuccessfully argues his MC Hammer pants have ironic kitsch cachet
- Experts tip Australia to retain rugby league world cup in 2006, 2010, 2014, 2018, 2022, 2026, 2030, 2034, 2040...
- Drunken man confident about his masculinity
- Poorly drawn picture only tells 700 words
- Work still heavy despite many hands
- Fat person describes fatter person as “healthy-sized”
Sourced from CNNNN