Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Procrastinate Now!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I like children. Properly cooked.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Chipped dishes never break.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Eschew obfuscation.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I think, therefore I am single.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

My reality check just bounced.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Wine divulges truth.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

This mind intentionally left blank

Living is not worth dying for.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Life... I don’t get it...

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“My computer NEVER loc

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Plagiarism saves time.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When in doubt, mumble.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Is there life before death?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Submit a quote