Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
“My computer NEVER loc
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
Chipped dishes never break.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
A drop of ink may make a million think.
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
Wine divulges truth.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
When Chemists die, they barium.
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
System Error - Windows Loaded
Broken pencils are pointless.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
System Error - Windows Loaded
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Plagiarism saves time.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I think, therefore I am single.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
I plead contemporary insanity.
This mind intentionally left blank
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
Is there life before death?
Procrastinate Now!
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Velcro — what a rip off!
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Character is what you are in the dark.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Life... I don’t get it...
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
I had amnesia once or twice.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
My reality check just bounced.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
When in doubt, mumble.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Eschew obfuscation.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Living is not worth dying for.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
The only perfect science is hindsight.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Submit a quote