Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I think, therefore I am single.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Eschew obfuscation.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

When Chemists die, they barium.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“My computer NEVER loc

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When in doubt, mumble.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I like children. Properly cooked.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Wine divulges truth.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

My reality check just bounced.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

System Error - Windows Loaded

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Procrastinate Now!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Plagiarism saves time.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

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PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I had amnesia once or twice.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I plead contemporary insanity.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Chipped dishes never break.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

The only perfect science is hindsight.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Life... I don’t get it...

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

This mind intentionally left blank

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Is there life before death?

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Living is not worth dying for.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Character is what you are in the dark.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

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