Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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Character is what you are in the dark.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Plagiarism saves time.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Is there life before death?

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I had amnesia once or twice.

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Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I like children. Properly cooked.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Wine divulges truth.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I think, therefore I am single.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Velcro — what a rip off!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I plead contemporary insanity.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

This mind intentionally left blank

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Life... I don’t get it...

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Living is not worth dying for.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“My computer NEVER loc

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Eschew obfuscation.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Broken pencils are pointless.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Procrastinate Now!

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

When in doubt, mumble.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Chipped dishes never break.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

My reality check just bounced.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The only perfect science is hindsight.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

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