Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Wine divulges truth.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
System Error - Windows Loaded
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
This mind intentionally left blank
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
I like children. Properly cooked.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Eschew obfuscation.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
The only perfect science is hindsight.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Allow me to introduce my selves.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Plagiarism saves time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
Man who run in front of car get tired.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
Life... I don’t get it...
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
Even paranoids have real enemies.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I plead contemporary insanity.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
Chipped dishes never break.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
Living is not worth dying for.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
Is there life before death?
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
Broken pencils are pointless.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
System Error - Windows Loaded
When Chemists die, they barium.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
My reality check just bounced.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
Procrastinate Now!
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
I think, therefore I am single.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
I had amnesia once or twice.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
“My computer NEVER loc
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
When in doubt, mumble.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
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