Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Wine divulges truth.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Character is what you are in the dark.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

My reality check just bounced.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

When in doubt, mumble.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Eschew obfuscation.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Life... I don’t get it...

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Chipped dishes never break.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Velcro — what a rip off!

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Is there life before death?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Broken pencils are pointless.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Procrastinate Now!

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“My computer NEVER loc

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Plagiarism saves time.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I like children. Properly cooked.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I think, therefore I am single.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Living is not worth dying for.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Half of the people in the world are below average.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

This mind intentionally left blank

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

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