Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Never buy a car you can’t push.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

When Chemists die, they barium.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

My reality check just bounced.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Procrastinate Now!

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Velcro — what a rip off!

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Living is not worth dying for.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“My computer NEVER loc

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I plead contemporary insanity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I had amnesia once or twice.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Eschew obfuscation.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

This mind intentionally left blank

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I think, therefore I am single.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

When in doubt, mumble.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Plagiarism saves time.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Chipped dishes never break.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Wine divulges truth.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Is there life before death?

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I like children. Properly cooked.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Life... I don’t get it...

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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