Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

My reality check just bounced.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Plagiarism saves time.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Living is not worth dying for.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Illiterate? Write For Help.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Is there life before death?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

When in doubt, mumble.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Wine divulges truth.

Procrastinate Now!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Eschew obfuscation.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

This mind intentionally left blank

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Life... I don’t get it...

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I think, therefore I am single.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Man who run in front of car get tired.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I can resist everything except temptation.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Chipped dishes never break.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“My computer NEVER loc

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

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Even paranoids have real enemies.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

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Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

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