Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

On the other hand you have different fingers.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Procrastinate Now!

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

My reality check just bounced.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I like children. Properly cooked.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Living is not worth dying for.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

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Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

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Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Eschew obfuscation.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Plagiarism saves time.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Chipped dishes never break.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

When in doubt, mumble.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“My computer NEVER loc

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I can resist everything except temptation.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

The only perfect science is hindsight.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I think, therefore I am single.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

This mind intentionally left blank

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Wine divulges truth.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Life... I don’t get it...

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Is there life before death?

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Character is what you are in the dark.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

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