Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

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Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

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I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I had amnesia once or twice.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Life... I don’t get it...

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The only perfect science is hindsight.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

This mind intentionally left blank

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Eschew obfuscation.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Is there life before death?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Procrastinate Now!

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I think, therefore I am single.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

My reality check just bounced.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Wine divulges truth.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Plagiarism saves time.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Living is not worth dying for.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Broken pencils are pointless.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

When in doubt, mumble.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“My computer NEVER loc

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Chipped dishes never break.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I can resist everything except temptation.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

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