Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Broken pencils are pointless.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Is there life before death?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Plagiarism saves time.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Procrastinate Now!

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Chipped dishes never break.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“My computer NEVER loc

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I can resist everything except temptation.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Velcro — what a rip off!

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

System Error - Windows Loaded

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Life... I don’t get it...

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I’m in no shape to exercise.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Living is not worth dying for.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Eschew obfuscation.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

When in doubt, mumble.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I think, therefore I am single.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Wine divulges truth.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

My reality check just bounced.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

This mind intentionally left blank

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I like children. Properly cooked.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

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