Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Wine divulges truth.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“My computer NEVER loc

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Procrastinate Now!

Chipped dishes never break.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I think, therefore I am single.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Eschew obfuscation.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Living is not worth dying for.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I like children. Properly cooked.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

My reality check just bounced.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

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Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

This mind intentionally left blank

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

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“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Is there life before death?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

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There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Plagiarism saves time.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Velcro — what a rip off!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

When in doubt, mumble.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Life... I don’t get it...

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

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