Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

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I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A drop of ink may make a million think.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

On the other hand you have different fingers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Eschew obfuscation.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Procrastinate Now!

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I had amnesia once or twice.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Plagiarism saves time.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Is there life before death?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When in doubt, mumble.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

The only perfect science is hindsight.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Wine divulges truth.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Life... I don’t get it...

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“My computer NEVER loc

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I like children. Properly cooked.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

This mind intentionally left blank

I think, therefore I am single.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

My reality check just bounced.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Living is not worth dying for.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Chipped dishes never break.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

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