Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Character is what you are in the dark.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

System Error - Windows Loaded

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“My computer NEVER loc

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I think, therefore I am single.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Is there life before death?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Life... I don’t get it...

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Plagiarism saves time.

This mind intentionally left blank

Chipped dishes never break.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Wine divulges truth.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Living is not worth dying for.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Procrastinate Now!

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I like children. Properly cooked.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Eschew obfuscation.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

When in doubt, mumble.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Velcro — what a rip off!

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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