Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

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Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Never buy a car you can’t push.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I plead contemporary insanity.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

System Error - Windows Loaded

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Wine divulges truth.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I think, therefore I am single.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

This mind intentionally left blank

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

My reality check just bounced.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“My computer NEVER loc

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Life... I don’t get it...

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Living is not worth dying for.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

When in doubt, mumble.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Procrastinate Now!

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Chipped dishes never break.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I had amnesia once or twice.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

When Chemists die, they barium.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Is there life before death?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I can resist everything except temptation.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Character is what you are in the dark.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Eschew obfuscation.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

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