Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Chipped dishes never break.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Living is not worth dying for.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

My reality check just bounced.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Wine divulges truth.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Plagiarism saves time.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Procrastinate Now!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I think, therefore I am single.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Is there life before death?

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

This mind intentionally left blank

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

System Error - Windows Loaded

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Character is what you are in the dark.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“My computer NEVER loc

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Life... I don’t get it...

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

When in doubt, mumble.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I can resist everything except temptation.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Eschew obfuscation.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

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