Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I had amnesia once or twice.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Eschew obfuscation.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

My reality check just bounced.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Chipped dishes never break.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When in doubt, mumble.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Wine divulges truth.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“My computer NEVER loc

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Living is not worth dying for.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Life... I don’t get it...

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

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Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Procrastinate Now!

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

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I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

This mind intentionally left blank

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Plagiarism saves time.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I think, therefore I am single.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Broken pencils are pointless.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Is there life before death?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

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