Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
Velcro — what a rip off!
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Is there life before death?
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Eschew obfuscation.
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Chipped dishes never break.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Plagiarism saves time.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
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Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
Life... I don’t get it...
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
I plead contemporary insanity.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Living is not worth dying for.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When Chemists die, they barium.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
I had amnesia once or twice.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
My reality check just bounced.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
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I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
“My computer NEVER loc
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
This mind intentionally left blank
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
Broken pencils are pointless.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
I think, therefore I am single.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
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Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Character is what you are in the dark.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
Procrastinate Now!
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
When in doubt, mumble.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Wine divulges truth.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
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