Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Living is not worth dying for.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Procrastinate Now!

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Broken pencils are pointless.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Velcro — what a rip off!

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Chipped dishes never break.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

My reality check just bounced.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

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Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“My computer NEVER loc

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Life... I don’t get it...

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Eschew obfuscation.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Character is what you are in the dark.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I think, therefore I am single.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

When in doubt, mumble.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

This mind intentionally left blank

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Is there life before death?

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Plagiarism saves time.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Wine divulges truth.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I plead contemporary insanity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

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