Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

This mind intentionally left blank

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

When in doubt, mumble.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Is there life before death?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Broken pencils are pointless.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I like children. Properly cooked.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I can resist everything except temptation.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Living is not worth dying for.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I think, therefore I am single.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

System Error - Windows Loaded

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Wine divulges truth.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Chipped dishes never break.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Life... I don’t get it...

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Velcro — what a rip off!

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

“My computer NEVER loc

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Procrastinate Now!

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

My reality check just bounced.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Eschew obfuscation.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Plagiarism saves time.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

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