Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“My computer NEVER loc

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Is there life before death?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Velcro — what a rip off!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Living is not worth dying for.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

When in doubt, mumble.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Procrastinate Now!

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

This mind intentionally left blank

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I think, therefore I am single.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

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There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Plagiarism saves time.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My reality check just bounced.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Chipped dishes never break.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

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Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Eschew obfuscation.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Character is what you are in the dark.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Life... I don’t get it...

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Wine divulges truth.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

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