Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
When in doubt, mumble.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
“My computer NEVER loc
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
I can resist everything except temptation.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
My reality check just bounced.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Character is what you are in the dark.
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Life... I don’t get it...
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
Never buy a car you can’t push.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
System Error - Windows Loaded
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
I like children. Properly cooked.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
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If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Eschew obfuscation.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
When Chemists die, they barium.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
This mind intentionally left blank
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
I plead contemporary insanity.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
Is there life before death?
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I had amnesia once or twice.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Procrastinate Now!
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Chipped dishes never break.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Living is not worth dying for.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
Wine divulges truth.
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Plagiarism saves time.
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
Half of the people in the world are below average.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
I think, therefore I am single.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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