Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

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By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Is there life before death?

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

When in doubt, mumble.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I plead contemporary insanity.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

“My computer NEVER loc

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

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Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Character is what you are in the dark.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Wine divulges truth.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

This mind intentionally left blank

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Life... I don’t get it...

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Plagiarism saves time.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

My reality check just bounced.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Procrastinate Now!

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I can resist everything except temptation.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Living is not worth dying for.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Chipped dishes never break.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Broken pencils are pointless.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I think, therefore I am single.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Eschew obfuscation.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I like children. Properly cooked.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

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