Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

When Chemists die, they barium.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

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If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Eschew obfuscation.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Chipped dishes never break.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Broken pencils are pointless.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

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Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

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Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Wine divulges truth.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I like to start my periods with sentences.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Living is not worth dying for.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Allow me to introduce my selves.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Is there life before death?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“My computer NEVER loc

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

My reality check just bounced.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Plagiarism saves time.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I think, therefore I am single.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Life... I don’t get it...

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I plead contemporary insanity.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Never buy a car you can’t push.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

When in doubt, mumble.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

This mind intentionally left blank

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Procrastinate Now!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I can resist everything except temptation.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

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