Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Chipped dishes never break.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Even paranoids have real enemies.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

My reality check just bounced.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Plagiarism saves time.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Life... I don’t get it...

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Wine divulges truth.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

This mind intentionally left blank

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Is there life before death?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Procrastinate Now!

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Eschew obfuscation.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I think, therefore I am single.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I can resist everything except temptation.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“My computer NEVER loc

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I like children. Properly cooked.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Living is not worth dying for.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Half of the people in the world are below average.

When in doubt, mumble.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Character is what you are in the dark.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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