Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Is there life before death?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I think, therefore I am single.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Chipped dishes never break.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Velcro — what a rip off!

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Broken pencils are pointless.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I’m in no shape to exercise.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Life... I don’t get it...

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I plead contemporary insanity.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

My reality check just bounced.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

When Chemists die, they barium.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

“My computer NEVER loc

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Plagiarism saves time.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The only perfect science is hindsight.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Procrastinate Now!

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Living is not worth dying for.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Wine divulges truth.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

When in doubt, mumble.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A backwards poet writes inverse.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

This mind intentionally left blank

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Eschew obfuscation.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

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