Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I can resist everything except temptation.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Plagiarism saves time.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

My reality check just bounced.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Eschew obfuscation.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Velcro — what a rip off!

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I think, therefore I am single.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Chipped dishes never break.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Living is not worth dying for.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

When in doubt, mumble.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Even paranoids have real enemies.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

This mind intentionally left blank

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Procrastinate Now!

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Life... I don’t get it...

I plead contemporary insanity.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Is there life before death?

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

“My computer NEVER loc

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Wine divulges truth.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

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