Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Remember half the people you know are below average.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Plagiarism saves time.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I can resist everything except temptation.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

My reality check just bounced.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Eschew obfuscation.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Is there life before death?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Chipped dishes never break.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

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If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

This mind intentionally left blank

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Living is not worth dying for.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I think, therefore I am single.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

When in doubt, mumble.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“My computer NEVER loc

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Procrastinate Now!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

When Chemists die, they barium.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Life... I don’t get it...

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Wine divulges truth.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

The only perfect science is hindsight.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

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