Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Chipped dishes never break.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

My reality check just bounced.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I think, therefore I am single.

Broken pencils are pointless.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Character is what you are in the dark.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Life... I don’t get it...

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

This mind intentionally left blank

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Living is not worth dying for.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Procrastinate Now!

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

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If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Eschew obfuscation.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

When in doubt, mumble.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I like children. Properly cooked.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Is there life before death?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Wine divulges truth.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Plagiarism saves time.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I plead contemporary insanity.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“My computer NEVER loc

Velcro — what a rip off!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

The only perfect science is hindsight.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

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