Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Living is not worth dying for.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I had amnesia once or twice.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Character is what you are in the dark.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

This mind intentionally left blank

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Broken pencils are pointless.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

System Error - Windows Loaded

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Wine divulges truth.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

When Chemists die, they barium.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I can resist everything except temptation.

Is there life before death?

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I think, therefore I am single.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“My computer NEVER loc

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

My reality check just bounced.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Procrastinate Now!

Plagiarism saves time.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Life... I don’t get it...

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

When in doubt, mumble.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Velcro — what a rip off!

Eschew obfuscation.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Chipped dishes never break.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

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