Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Procrastinate Now!

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

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If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Living is not worth dying for.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Broken pencils are pointless.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

When in doubt, mumble.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Eschew obfuscation.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I think, therefore I am single.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Chipped dishes never break.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

My reality check just bounced.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Plagiarism saves time.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I can resist everything except temptation.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Wine divulges truth.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“My computer NEVER loc

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

This mind intentionally left blank

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Is there life before death?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Life... I don’t get it...

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

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