Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I plead contemporary insanity.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I like children. Properly cooked.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Eschew obfuscation.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

My reality check just bounced.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I think, therefore I am single.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I hate women because they always know where things are.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Chipped dishes never break.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“My computer NEVER loc

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

This mind intentionally left blank

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Even paranoids have real enemies.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Wine divulges truth.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

When in doubt, mumble.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Living is not worth dying for.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Is there life before death?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Life... I don’t get it...

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Plagiarism saves time.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I had amnesia once or twice.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

When Chemists die, they barium.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Procrastinate Now!

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I’m in no shape to exercise.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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