Ned Martin’s Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn’t amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin’s Amused Categories
aboriginal accident advertising africa alcohol america animals animated apple art audio australia babies balloons bananas banks bears beer bikes billboards birds blonde board games boats boobs books bras brisbane browsers bsod bugs business cards calendars canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts chickens children chocolate chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking crocodiles daleks darth vader democracy dinosaurs disaster dogs donkeys driving drugs drunk ducks earthquake easter education eggs elephants english evolution explosions facebook famous people fashion feminine hygiene fire firefox fish fishing flash flowcharts food france fruit games gay geeky george bush giraffes grammar guns halloween hands hats history horses illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphones irish it jobs joke jokes kittens koalas languages laptops linux lions logan mac marijuana marriage math mayans medical meth microsoft mobiles money monopoly motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians new zealand ninjas north korea obama opera parenting parrots penguins phones photography pie charts pigs pirates police political posters predictions pregnancy quotations rabbits racist rallies redneck relationships religious rice risqué robots rocks romance safari samsung school seals sex sexist sharks shirts shops signs sms snow spiders sport sql star wars steve jobs stickers teachers technology terrorism tools turtles tv underwear university vegetables vintage war whales wifi windows wine women woolworths work zombies
Talking Clock
Why, that’s my Talking Clock…
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
DBA/SQL Humour
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”
Helpful Hints
Helpful Hints
Told Her Not To Brag About Her Barbie Dream House…
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
Geek Meditation Session
In your mind’s browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
Mayans Predicting The Future
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
If Your Phone Gets Wet, Try Placing It In A Bag Of Rice
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
The Most Difficult Thing To Explain To Someone From The 1950s
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
An Irish Daughter Had Not Been To Her Parent's House For Over Five Years...
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent’s house for over five years…
Ball-type Deodorant
Her: Is it the ball-type deodorant you want sir? Him: Oh no miss – it’s for under my arms!
Sharks Are A Lot Friendlier Without Pointy Teeth
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
How People From Around The World Open Beer
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
How To Know When You’ve Met A Democrat
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you’ve met a Democrat…
What’s The Main Reason For Motorbike Accidents In Jamaica?
What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?
Out Of Breath
Dispatcher: Emergency Services, how may I help you?
An Aussie Taxidermist In New Zealand…
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
Ancient Egyptians: Posting Cats To Their Walls Since 3150 BC
Ancient Egyptians: Posting cats to their walls since 3150 BC
Having More Money Doesn’t Make You Happier
“Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million”
Paraprosdokians
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Brisbane, GTA Style
Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, GTA Style.
australia brisbane computer games explosions guns imagery police
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
Morning Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
We Forgot Our Shovels
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: “We have a problem.”
Misspelt Blog Post
You wouldn't think anyone reads my blog. I haven’t got a comment in weeks. Misspell something…
I Was Going To Make A Joke About A Bank, But Then I Lost Interest…
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
Damn Women Drivers
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
Aboriginal Jobs
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
Premature Ejaculators Anonymous
Man stating he ‘came too soon’ in front of sign stating ‘premature ejaculators anonymous’.
Kim, Eat A Snickers
Kim Jong-un: I’m going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you’re hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
Dormeyer Crying Wives
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
IPhone 10 – The Tallest IPhone Yet
A mock-up of the iPhone 10, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5.
Drug Cats
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
acid animals cats cocaine coffee drugs heroin imagery marijuana mushrooms shrooms weed
You Can See Me?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “you can see me?”
Letter To A Mother / School Report
It is with great happiness that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend…
Jam And Butter The Muddy Plasters, The Dirty Bucket Of Pitch!
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
A Cop Just Pulled Me Over And Said “Papers”
A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers”… so I said “Scissors, I win” and drove off…
Sentence Structure: Why Sentence Structure Is Important
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
Hillary Clinton Goes To Her Doctor For A Physical…
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical…
“Hi Honey. This Is Daddy. Is Mummy Near The Phone?”
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
Comments & Other Similar Social Data
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
Doctor Bob Had Sex With One Of His Patients…
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
Our Education System
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
animals dogs education elephants exams fish imagery monkeys penguins school seals
I Love My BSOD
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
boobs bsod computers fashion geeky imagery microsoft sexist shirts windows women
Notice
Notice is hereby given…
Chris Brown & Rihanna Bananas
I can’t believe she didn’t press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
Apple IPhone 20 & Samsung Galaxy S23 – Sword & Shield
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
advertising apple imagery iphone phones samsung samsung galaxy technology
Bribing Santa
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
Too Long
Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it! Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it!
Evolution: Stop Following Me!
The typical “evolution of man” poster, except the man is facing his “earlier ancestors” saying “Stop following me!”
Missed You...
Image of a soldier pointing a gun towards the camera with caption “When you first left, I missed you badly… I WONT THIS TIME”
Afterburn - Whom Do You See?
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
Today Is Sunday
Attention! Today is Sunday. Share this on your Facebook wall. Within seven days you’ll get another Sunday…
I Usually Get 9/11
I don’t always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
I’m Really Afraid Of Johnny Depp
Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom. I’m really afraid of Johnny Depp.
Perfect Existence
Perfect Existence: The Proof
The 10 Commandments
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or parliament…
Will Be President For Food
Boy sitting next to sign “No Campaigning beyond This Point” holding sign “Will Be President for Food”.
Please, Dave… Please Don’t Let Me Be Locked Out From You!
Please, Dave… please don’t let me be locked out from you! For complete feminine hygiene rely on Lysol – a concentrated germ-killer!
Worst Apocalypse Ever
[A grumpy cat the day the Mayan calendar ended] “Still Here. Worst Apocalypse Ever.”
Idiots
Idiots everywhere…
Dear Abby, I’ve Never Written To You Before…
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision…
Explain These Bad Grades
1969: A child’s parents blame him for his bad grades. Today: A child’s parents blame his teacher for his bad grades.
Positive For Coke
You’re fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password…
I Can’t Believe The “WMD” Trick Is Working Again With Iran
I can’t believe the “WMD” trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
george bush imagery iran political weapons of mass destruction wmd
Your Child Is Being Eaten By A Camel
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
A Beer Before It Starts
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”…
Aboriginal Eggs
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
Guts Or Balls?
We’ve all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
Black Jack Black
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
A message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
america britain political queen elizabeth ii queens racist royalty
The Poodle And The Leopard
Experience trumps youth.
News Headlines
Amusing news headlines
Men Are Better Than Women!
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don’t go hauling them up a cliff…
Give A Man A Fish And He Has Food For A Day
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
Battery Fully Charged. Unplug Charger.
In what is perhaps one of the more stupid “features” on my Samsung Galaxy Note, when it reaches full charge, it lights up its screen and pops up and audible alert saying “Battery fully charged. Unplug charger.” As I charge my phone at night, it is effectively an extremely annoying unwanted wake-up call.
When I Grow Up… I Want To Be Like Mommy!
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
The Best Photo Caption
A western woman in Africa—presumably a tourist—squats to go to the toilet in the bush, pants down, toilet paper in hand, her backpack in the grass nearby; unaware a lion is sneaking up behind her. Captioned “if she hasn’t… she will soon”.
Michael Jackson's Dog
A rather mean impression of what Michael Jackson’s dog might look like, if it had similar surgery.
Va-Rice-Ity: My Man Likes Something Unexpected…
My man likes something unexpected now and then. That’s why I serve him rice.
Pregnancy & Women: Questions
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
Be The First Of Your Friends To Like This Post.
A post with a poster on it, “Be the first of your friends to like this post”.
A True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s (supposedly) true.
Mayan’s Beta Calendar Bug
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that’s just a temporary problem in the beta version!
What If The Beatles Had Been Computer Freaks?
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
Rejection Response
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following…
I Will Deprive You Of Sex
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife’s tits in the morning.
Foot Smart
See if you can outsmart your foot…
Scientific Breakthrough – Governmentium
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Laurel And Hardy
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
How To Make Money From Facebook
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to “Account Settings”; 2) Press “Deactivate your account”; 3) Go to work.
Good & Obedient Wives
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
Sex Maniac
Dear Dr Ruth, I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
Let’s All Take A Moment And Be Thankful That Spiders Don’t Fly.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don’t fly!
Wong Fook Hing Book Store
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you’re obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
Moving Illusion
A psychedelic illusion where a brightly coloured non-moving image appears to be pulsating in and out.
The Girls Are Talking About Tampons
The Blonde: It’s invisible sanitary protection, thank heavens…
advertising feminine hygiene imagery risqué sexist tampons vintage
Scary Campfire Stories: Book Style
And then… after they had ripped out half of her pages… they turned her… into a movie!
Creative Apple MacBook Stickers
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
apple computers decals imagery laptops mac macbook stickers technology
These Blast Points… Too Accurate For Sand People
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: “These blast points… too accurate for sand people”.
imagery movies obi-wan kenobi star wars terrorism world trade centre
Kneel, Says The Demon Light
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
Spider’s Remember
Remember when you threw a shoe at me and I fell somewhere behind the bed? I remember too.
Dear Thigh Fat
Help the needy?
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
Lance Armstrong Fiction Books
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including “Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion”, “The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program” and “Lance Armstrong: World’s Greatest Champion” will soon be moved to the fiction section.
Attention Deficit Disorder
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
Browsers: Their Differences
The differences between the major web browsers.
browsers chrome firefox imagery internet explorer opera safari
Cars And Computers
General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
A Middle-aged Woman Decides To Have A Facelift…
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
Blind Pilots
You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die…
The Second Amendment: The Right To Bear Arms
The second amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms. I think many have taken this out of context.
america bear arms constitution democracy imagery second amendment
The Fellowship Of The Ring
The Fellowship of the Ring.
Cooking With Wine
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn’t go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
Tomorrow (noun)
Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
New Seatbelt Design: 45% Less Car Accidents!
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
Calm Living
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
How Did You Get In My House?
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need. Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
Mayan Joke Set-Up
Heh… I’ve just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I’ll fetch a scribe…
Ancient Japanese Proverb
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
What Would Robots From The 1960's…
What would robots from 1960’s and 1970’s TV say today with current software installed?
Men’s Rules
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
100 Guidelines On Becoming An Evil Villain
World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really…
When A Woman Says “what?”
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
The Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
Punography
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
Went To The Moon, Took 5 Photos. Went To The Bathroom, Took 37 Photos.
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Disclaimer, Copyright & Contact Information
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
Problem Solving Flowchart
A simple, and humorous, flowchart that successfully troubleshoots almost any problem you can think of.
Bob Hawke’s Yard Of Ale
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that’s just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
alcohol australia bob hawke imagery oxford political politicians
The Mystery Of The Mayan Calendar Revealed
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
america calendars imagery mayans obama political predictions
26 Everyday Occurrences In Australia
When you live on a barely hospitable desert island that was once a continent-sized penal colony, your life tends to be a little more badass than the average person’s.
animals australia crocodiles emus imagery kangaroos koalas kookaburras police sharks spiders woolworths
Keep Off The Grass
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
Everything You Wanted To Know About Phobias
Everything you wanted to know about Phobias (but were afraid to ask)
90’s Gamer
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90’s…
Road Rage
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it…
Michelangelo: The Re-enactment
A re-enactment of Michelangelo’s famous “The Creation of Adam”.
art imagery michelangelo paintings reenactment sistine chapel
Executive Test
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional”…
Just Checking
“Just doing a spot-check to see what you’re doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!” The expression on this ostrich’s face is excellent.
When Someone Yells “STOP”…
When someone yells “STOP”, I never know if it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
Fifteen Things To Do At The Supermarket…
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven: It doesn’t have any wall or fence…
apple bill gates computers heaven imagery microsoft phones religious steve jobs windows
Proof That Not Knowing Everything Is The Best Way To Go
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
Sorry For Party Rocking
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
Suffering From Capitalism
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
Steady Hand – A Game Of Skill
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
Drop Bears – Department Of Dangerous Fauna Management
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don’t become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
Text Of A Letter From A Kid From Eromanga To Mum And Dad.
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
2 Mayan Guys
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
Husband Glasses
I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.
Monopoly Money For Fake Boobs
I think it’s only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Browser Wars
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer
Campbell Newman: Public Service: You Can Trust Me
[Campbell Newman laughing] …and then I said to the public service… you can trust me…
Mayans Predicting The Hobbit Movie
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
Halloween Squirrel
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
Biology, Multiplication And Division
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
Vote Odin
The left wing said they’d abolish poverty; right wing said they’d abolish bureaucracy. Odin said he’d abolish ice giants. Where are the ice giants? Vote Odin!
“Understanding Women” Now Available In Paperback
The book “Understanding Women” is now available in paperback!
The World’s Shortest Books
The World’s Shortest Books
Minecraft: Create A Simple Door
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
computer games education games imagery internet minecraft school tests
The Modern Day Romantic
Goodnight my beautiful girl I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
Chance Of Keeping Your Job If You’re Wrong More Than 75% Of The Time
Chance of keeping your job if you’re wrong more than 75% of the time.
Stress Management
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
Man & Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University…
Don’t Let Kevin Bacon Die
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
IE Retarded
I hope he doesn’t say something retarded…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer opera safari
Test Your Subconscious
This revolutionary test will expose the secret desires from your subconscious…
Stop Surfing The Internet And Just Go To Bed
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
Let’s Go For A Drink…
Goldstar Beer Ads: What goes through the mind of men and women when they’re asked to go for a drink…
It Looks Like You Are Wasting Office Supplies. Would You Like Some Help?
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
Apple IOS6 Maps
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
Already Exists
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
Got To Love Drunk People
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…