You have two cows
The eponymous cows is used to demonstrate the advantages and flaws of certain economic systems.
Types of Government
Socialism
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
True Socialism
You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows.
You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as current regulations allow.
Communism
You have two cows.
The government takes both cows and may give you some of the milk.
True Communism
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Fascism
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Venture Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Naziism
You have two cows.
The government shoots you and takes both cows to give to those more worthy.
Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes most of the milk.
Environmentalism
You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking them or killing them.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows.
Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows.
Your neighbours elect someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Actual Democracy
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man
in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.
Then it pays you to not milk them.
After that it takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out 27 forms accounting for the missing cows.
Dictatorship
You have two cows.
The government takes both cows and shoots you.
Anarchy
You have two cows.
You keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent, and steal another cow.
Surrealism
You have two girraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Regional Variations
Australian Corporation
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
New Zealand Corporation
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
British Corporation
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
French Corporation
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
Irish Corporation
You have two cows
One of them is a horse
German Corporation
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blonde, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand
13 weeks of vacation per year.
Italian Corporation
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
Swiss Corporation
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
Greek Corporation
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
Russian Corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Japanese Corporation
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
Chinese Corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
Indian Corporation
You have two cows.
You worship them.
Iraqi Corporation
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
American Variations
American Democrat
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell
one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the
tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbour.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
American Republican
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
So?
Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of
guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
New York Corporation
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some
fat cow from Arkansas