nedmartin - Amused - Quotes and One-Liners

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
System Error - Windows Loaded
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
System Error - Windows Loaded
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
I like children. Properly cooked.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I think, therefore I am single.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Wine divulges truth.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
Life... I don’t get it...
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
When in doubt, mumble.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Chipped dishes never break.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
My reality check just bounced.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Is there life before death?
Character is what you are in the dark.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
Living is not worth dying for.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Illiterate? Write For Help.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I plead contemporary insanity.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
Eschew obfuscation.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
“My computer NEVER loc
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
This mind intentionally left blank
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Procrastinate Now!
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
When Chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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