News Headlines

• Sitcom character learns valuable life lesson
• F111 pilots made to watch deep vein thrombosis video before taking off on air strike
• Yellow pages book yellowing further with age
• Omo-cut cocaine helps druggie clean up act
• Disney debating team criticised for Mickey Mouse logic
• Male feminist so appalled by porno he has to watch it six times
• Manufacturers discover eighth way to present bottled water
• ‘Star Wars’ fans now more despised than Trekkies
• Nosy accountant doesn’t like M.Y.O.B.
• Bookshop customer tailors purchase to impress cute attendant
• Action hero better shot than the bad guys
• Fat cow claims to have fifth stomach
• Packed out funeral forces promoter to schedule extra sessions
• Real estate agency refuses to give man change for parking meter unless he buys something
• Media celebrates 10,000th article about Tom Cruise entitled “Cruise Control”
• Cliff Richard’s sperm applies for pension
• Death metal track promotes Mormonism when played backwards
• Macdonald’s sceptic made to feel foolish by new ads
• Speed limit around schools reduced to 40 grams an hour
• Returning video less fun than hiring
• Cinema usher clearly aspiring to work in film
• Young lawyer always bragging about how late he stays at office
• Optimistic cow confident she can make it through “this abattoir thing” in one piece
• NewsPoll finds 100% of people think pollsters should be paid more
• Teen denied job at burger king after spelling “drive thru” correctly
• Noah regrets letting two termites onto ark
• Latest plastic surgery sees Cher reclassified as doll
• Unemployed metalworker seeks riveting job
• Iran battle of the sexes fairly one-sided
• Heart-warming cross-cultural comedy enjoys undeserved box-office success
• Pretentious man still insists on writing ‘cafe’ with an accent over the ‘e’
• Fog enjoys night out on the town
• John Edward Show bloodbath after Ghostbusters pay visit
• Small puppy much less cute with axe through it
• Unemployed screenwriter working on script about unemployed screenwriter
• Cadbury adapts old chocolate bar to new form
• Motoring section of paper left unopened again
• Dung beetle’s cooking tastes like sh*t
• 6-year-old experiences merry-go-round rage
• Bush sends SMS to bin laden: “>:(”
• Germans to trial shepherds that aren’t dogs
• Graffiti artist paints the town red
• Moth insists only attracted to light bulb for its personality
• Louvre tourist can’t work out where he’s seen Mona Lisa before
• Cornetto vendor at sports ground always out of the one flavour man wants
• Schoolgirls less pretty than men imagine
• Siamese twin suspects she’s being followed
• Office worker pins up amusing headline clipping about someone with same name above desk
• Sperm bank introduces online sperm banking
• Use-by date on yoghurt completely illegible
• Pepsi Blue inventor avoids eye contact with other Pepsi executives
• Journo compulsively scans media section for references to self
• Beautiful duckling grows up to be seriously ugly swan
• Drawing student quietly wishes nude model was better looking
• Bucks’ party not nearly as debauched as invite predicted
• Anchovy sick and tired of being left off pizzas
• Family pretends not to be home during red shield doorknock appeal
• Bridgeclimb operators to launch bridgejump for suicidal market
• Environmentalist predicts something bloody awful
• Man pressured to order Guinness at Irish pub
• Wacky guy in office still wearing a swatch
• Moviegoer remarks how steep candy bar prices are
• Man wishes neighbour would play another CD for a change
• Environmentally friendly alternative product not quite as good as normal one
• Chinese restaurant diners skip dessert once again
• Man leaves single square of toilet paper on roll for next user
• Necrophiliac accuses partner of being unresponsive in bed
• Christian rapper disses devil, gives big ups to Lord Jesus Christ
• Maverick cop’s gut instinct completely wrong
• Unknown author publishes how-to-write manual
• Woman wastes half toilet roll getting it started
• Child abuser was prick even before being abused himself
• Hoon family has portrait taken at red light camera
• Osama Bin Laden concerned about effects of allied bombing on cave’s Feng Shui
• Mother secretly hopes kid will come crying back to her after being warned not to
• ‘Australian idle’ winner exceptionally lazy
• Former boxer regrets doing “whatever it was” that gave him brain damage
• Curriculum vitae rejigged to suit specific job
• Man presses button 55 times to set alarm 5 minutes earlier
• Breakfast radio host expresses mock indignation at something other host says
• Mongolian lamb enters third day straight in bain marie
• New ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ boldly goes where every other series has gone before
• Movie character did everything for father’s love
• Fifteen horses drown in water polo disaster
• Latin dance craze requires contraceptive
• Forthcoming Europe greatest hits album tipped to include ‘The Final Countdown’
• Magician’s assistant perpetually embarrassed by lameness of act
• American tourist blends in seamlessly by saying “g’day” a lot
• Discussion at book club once again centres on real estate prices
• Mr Sheen expelled from Vatican after unstaining glass windows
• Room cleanup attains new urgency during take-home exam
• Shrub fantasises about pissing on dog
• Cheap couple send out wedding invites via group email
• Tosser always does harmonies when singing ‘happy birthday’
• Groucho Marxist revolution delivers slapstick to working class
• Rottweiler owner dodgy
• Girl agonises for whole week over meaning of guy’s text message
• Teen’s upgrade to a double bed proves unnecessary
• Adam Sandler concerned his baby voice may wear thin after 150 more movies
• After two dates, man already starting phone calls with “hi, it’s me”
• Wide screen TV almost as wide as owner
• Total fire ban hits crematorium industry hard
• Gay drag show venue full of straight tourists
• Motorway toll introduced to pay for upkeep of tollgates
• Classic FM now plays best of the 1570s, 1680s and 1790s
• Internet fridge sick of spam
• Child plays with slinkie a second time
• Once-a-year yoga practitioner now does Pilates once a year
• Men and women stop being different: breakfast radio ends immediately
• Jane forces Tarzan to wear the good loincloth to jungle ball
• Calls for tougher sentencing on killer flu’s
• Three-handed man able to scrape dinner into fliptop bin
• First day of Mike Tyson anger management course injures 6, kills 14
• World Health Organisation condemns staple diet: “you shouldn’t eat staples”
• Woman constantly checking her reflection in shop windows
• Office worker makes condescending small talk with office cleaner
• Latest Microsoft software contains over 300 more unused features
• Sponsored African child not as cute as sponsors hoped
• Freeman, Edgerton deny relationship rumours at their wedding
• Big Brother contestant runs out of banal things to say
• Houdini aborts attempt to escape Eddie Maguire
• Gary Larson office mug not as funny as it used to seem
• Hirer of disappointing video has not got what they paid for
• Cupid having trouble finding someone for himself
• Abseiling drama tipped to feature cliffhanger
• Magazine lists top 50 celebs by some category or other
• Starving Sudanese child sponsors Calista Flockhart
• New Donna Hay book great for people stuck with only a full pantry, fresh coriander
• Goatees all the rage among livestock
• Stored number on mobile a complete mystery to owner
• John Laws’ voice breaks for fourth time
• Girl sick of boyfriend always comparing himself to Holden Caulfield
• Entire theatre interval spent queuing for drink
• Cow sick and tired of people squeezing its tits
• Starbucks to introduce new jumbo 2-litre macchiato
• Doggie fantasises about sex in missionary position
• Not one word spelt correctly on restaurant blackboard menu
• Macdonald’s worker yet to see evidence that women like men in uniform
• Animal rights activist mink stops wearing own coat
• Man now averaging one lost sock per wash cycle
• Beggar now accepting all major credit cards
• Beta video enthusiast planning to upgrade to laserdisc player
• Waiter offers pepper grinder even during dessert
• Space probe mission to Mars will prove existence of space probes on Mars
• Partygoer claims to know the DJ
• Daughter notes father always around when Tatu video clip comes on
• Novelty answering machine message wears thin
• Robert Downey Jr finishes celebrating NYE ‘02
• Amputee frequents second-hand store
• Large jumps predicted in flea market
• John Cleese tarnishes final shred of reputation with lame new film cameo
• Local crime lords lobby government for more abandoned warehouses
• Manicurist archivist files nails
• Woman catches dinner date paying for meal with shop-a-docket coupon
• Football mascot fears he may be typecast
• Terror alert: medium rare
• 50-year-old couple renew their divorce vows
• Hare demands “two out of three” with tortoise
• Woman’s love of schnapps doesn’t continue beyond ski holiday
• Cinema finally screens movie 40 minutes after advertised session time
• Mr T knighted: dubbed ‘Sir T’
• Petrol with added ethanol angers motorists, delights deros
• Beverly Hills snail upgrades to tortoise shell
• Two-thirds of rock gig spent retuning guitars
• Sports buff in pub trivia team only listened to on sports questions
• Adam Sandler to star as bumbling lovable guy with tendency for aggressive overreaction in next movie
• Test newcomer Michael Clarke tipped to be nicknamed ‘Clarkey’ by teammates
• White male suffering lack-of-persecution complex
• Taxi driver discusses weather with 14th passenger in a row
• Low-fat muffin tastes worse than high-fat alternative
• Hollingworth still incorrectly being called Hollingsworth
• ‘Operation Smurfy Freedom’ destroys dictatorial Papa Smurf regime
• Tony Abbott blames unions
• Weather channel latest to launch new sketch comedy show
• Depressed window just wishes pane would go away
• Chanel bemused by failure of new ‘Eau de Cabbie’ fragrance
• Uni student spends fourteen straight hours talking up how big a night they’re having
• Turkey marks Anzac Day by celebrating great victory
• No-one realises busker is playing ‘Hotel California’
• Airline hostess enjoys sexual advance from overweight married executive
• Vegan baby demands to be breastfed soymilk
• Gender signs on nightclub toilet doors utterly indecipherable
• Pope caught perusing Koran in his bedroom
• C.A.S.A. grounds paper aeroplane
• Pudding detective finds proof in the eating
• Save Albert Park protesters happy with campaign’s progress
• Divorcing couple fight for custody of the TV remote
• Irritating pop song released in time for 2006 cycle of car ads
• Milosevic misses arbitrary abuses of power: applies for job as bouncer
• Oscar the Grouch finally shakes nickname with help of Prozac
• Suicide bombing festival cancelled due to rising insurance premiums
• Do not disturb sign deliberately ignored by housekeepers
• Drinker correctly identifies difference between chardonnay and chablis
• Educated woman caught by friend reading chick-lit novel
• Man realises during second date he’s wearing same shirt as on first date
• Office colleague perpetually lapsing into ‘Kath & Kim’ impersonations
• Cabbie changes radio station just as good song comes on
• Train station toilet more disgusting than commuter ever imagined
• ‘G.M.A.’ star Moira rocked by cash for comments claims
• Would-be skyscraper celebrates 20th year as hole in the ground
• Michael Jackson imposes height maximum at Neverland theme park
• Man has no idea how to describe his job at parties
• Awkward pause in conversation enters record tenth minute
• Microsoft won’t reveal when Windows 2004 will be released
• Even Eminem now sick of Eminem
• Squeegee guy reports poor returns at grand prix
• Man convinced female colleague’s work emails have ‘flirtatious’ tone
• Castro still holding out for imminent global communist revolution
• Son’s pile of Armistead Maupin books fail to give parents the hint
• Reader of second-hand book fascinated by previous owner’s margin notes
• Chinese hospitals face chronic tiger testicle shortage
• Slow week at ‘NW’ prompts Pitt and Aniston to split up twice
• Corporate sponsorship of ‘Playschool’ leads to exciting journey through the Macdonald’s drive through window
• Small country of indomitable Gauls still holding out against American empire
• Pathetic teen dweeb toughened significantly by Nike clothing
• Teaspoon found in sink after washing-up
• Café’s “freshly squeezed OJ” poured straight from bottle
• Smurfette begins to suspect glass ceiling may operate in Smurf village
• Man prefers to urinate in cubicle rather than at trough with others
• 28-year-old still finding ways of bringing HSC mark into conversation
• Burkina Faso sweeps ridiculed nation awards for eighth straight year
• Highway driver makes unconvincing ‘sorry’ gesture to hitchhiker
• ‘Simpsons’ fan recites entire episode while watching it
• Bob Ellis reminisces about his university days
• Corporate video plays badly with test audiences
• Cinema patron determined to leave spare seat between himself and others
• Trusting busker has hat full of IOUs
• Priest tells polite joke during sermon
• $10 gin and tonic mostly ice
• Fake log fire blamed for causing fake house fire
• Party guest’s hilarious story interrupted five times by canapé waitress
• DJ at housewarming party clearly just a friend doing it for free
• Jakarta Hilton puts Gideon Koran into bedside drawers
• Former 1927 band member still using 1927 as pin number
• ‘Mr Movies’ changes name back to ‘Bill Collins’ again
• Non-student still finds use for sine button on calculator
• Fish with body piercing fetish asks angler to ‘leave hook in’
• Barbershop singer leaves to join trendy hair salon quartet
• The Strokes back in studio to record ten new identical songs
• Videophone not a gimmick, claims videophone sales representative
• Rug retailer can’t keep Richard Wilkins away from their red carpets
• Barry White inhales helium to try to reach Middle C
• Pool player unnecessarily chalks after every shot
• Advertising exec mistakes coke-fuelled confidence for imagination
• Sweatshop union fights for 140-hour week
• Blues Brothers now available in a range of colours
• Geek’s hired escort fools no one at school reunion
• Flatmate’s sex life much less interesting than it sounds
• Al-Qaeda planning to fly planes into CD tower
• TV buff admits to losing count after ‘Survivor IV’
• Naked Chef finds pube in soup
• John Edward contacts ghost of his own credibility
• Eunuch admits to keeping penis in drawer at home
• Study finds that studies find what organisations funding them want them to find
• Mr Whippy driver sick to death of hearing ‘Greensleeves’
• Council election noticed
• Onion lover cries after partner chopped in half
• Answering machine message trying a little too hard to be funny
• Comedian reinvents stand-up comedy with bold new ‘grandmother-in-law’ routine
• Guitar shop customer clearly only knows one song
• Reader accurately judges Madonna’s ‘Sex’ book by cover
• Dwarf takes out limbo contest yet again
• Guy who works in finance tells every woman in bar how much he earns
• Woman makes special point of sitting in front seat of taxi
• Tardy Italian waiter brings caffe late
• CBD skateboarder finally lands a trick
• Family recipe passed down with decreasing enthusiasm
• Shops either side of coin laundry sick of giving out change
• Movie about college fraternity lost on Australian audience
• Comedian visits Mosh website to see what people think of him
• Politicians vote to grant themselves super-duperannuation
• Joe Dolce tribute band desperate for second song to pad out gig
• Optimistic ALP to use ‘Howard’s End’ campaign theme for third straight election
• P-platers win Channel 9’s national drink driving test
• Joke about pancake tossing falls flat
• Artist formerly known as Prince now artist formerly known as any good
• Fiancée secretly hates partner’s choice of engagement ring
• Goth bride and groom exchange nose rings
• Banana bread somehow unlike both bananas and bread
• Australia’s biggest dole bludger now earning steady income from ‘ACA’, ‘Today Tonight’ appearances
• Marcel Marceau accused of miming at recent concert
• FIFA culls Socceroos
• Dorothy Parker admired by someone who’s never read her work
• Persian rug store regrets updating name to Iranian rug store
• Passive-aggressive man sits back threateningly
• Even Wiggles beginning to tire of ‘Hot Potato’ song
• Renaissance nudes not as good as ‘Hustler’, concludes teen
• Office worker spends entire day emailing
• Seismological survey turns out to be on shaky ground
• Cast of ‘friends’ now asking for $1 million each per line
• Guy’s entire wardrobe hated by girlfriend
• Manga film plot incomprehensible even to Japanese audience
• Texan environmentalist invents solar-powered electric chair
• Sh*tty weather grudgingly acknowledged as “good for farmers”
• Pat rafter named Bermudan of the year for tax purposes
• Qantas in-flight magazine profiles Buenos Aires yet again
• Darren Gough retires from being too injured to play for England
• Wireless Internet dramatically improves nerd’s social life
• Diva insists on seventh curtain call despite audience leaving
• Faulty pokie gives punter fair chance
• Natasha Ryan “kind of missing” the cupboard
• Passing bushwalkers give each other mandatory nod
• Buying train ticket from machine takes longer than queuing at window
• Man relieved to get first fart of new relationship out of the way
• Culkin brothers now officially outnumbering Baldwin brothers
• Computer industry already warning of Y3k bug
• Man on date hopes giving to beggar will help him get sex
• Pessimistic 3M analysts predict sticky end
• Poached eggs stolen
• Bandanna not as fashionable as wearer thinks
• Diff’rent Strokes guy finally works out what Willis was talking about
• Macdonald’s corners monk market with Gregorian Big Mac chant
• Turkish film stars walk down Persian red carpet
• Deeply personal attack softened by “present company excluded”
• N.M.E. critic unable to admit he enjoys Robbie Williams
• Feminist opinion piece cites ‘Sex and the City’ to support argument
• Hotel guest steals miniature toiletries but never uses them
• Dodgy Chinese restaurant introduces Yuk Cha menu
• Newly single man tells himself right to keep toilet seat up will compensate for lack of sex
• Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into backpacker bar
• Rising petrol prices see kids sniffing natural gas
• League fan now denies ever being interested in 2002 soccer world cup
• Picky beggar still a chooser
• Japanese characters on western clothes now as cool as western characters on Japanese clothes
• Cockroaches, Richard Wilkins’ hair tipped to survive nuclear holocaust
• Beginner web designer still on htm-L plates
• Man regrets sending condolence card with humorous risqué cartoon
• 80s hit not yet revived as tepid dance track
• Kirk Cameron caught watching old tapes of ‘Growing Pains’
• Occam’s Razor now comes with lubricating strip
• Overly honest girlfriend tries to comfort dumped boyfriend by saying “It’s not you, it’s this other guy I’m seeing”
• Overbooking of guests on ‘Rove Live’ leads to multiple personality disorder
• High school student can’t believe T.S. Eliot understood, like, exactly the way he feels
• Bear denied kiss due to post-hibernation breath
• Man worried what new girlfriend might make of his Star Wars undies
• Ten soon to screen 1,000,000th repeat episode of ‘The Simpsons’
• Newsbar item derived from obscure real-live observation
• Nutter on public transport unnerved by even bigger nutter
• Solo cook spoils broth
• Musical retard thinks he’s a bongo maestro
• Tour bus driver’s jokes draw lukewarm response
• Gym membership expires before being used
• Stand-up comedian retires to become heckler
• Twin senses brother’s lack of E.S.P.
• Peter Andre autograph less valuable today than collector hoped
• Film critic unsure if John Malkovich is great or terrible actor
• Hermaphrodites sexually harass themself
• John Farnham already thinking about another ‘Last Time’ tour
• Drunken man writes stupid idea on back of coaster
• Hotmail address receives non-spam email
• Rapper loves booty
• Journalist admits he got his career direction from ‘press gang’
• Kournikova defeated during social hit with friends
• Nerd couple take romantic walk along beach while holding handhelds
• Cherry Ripe manufacturer regrets release of Prune Ripe
• Comedian badly overestimates lifespan of his John Hopoate material
• Difference between flat white and latte discussed on coffee date
• Retro caveman dresses like monkey
• Man clearly thinking of ex-girlfriend during sex
• Foreign movie star loves Australia
• Gym junkie wears sleeveless top in subzero conditions
• Bird watcher accused of storking
• Commuter celebrates 10 years of avoiding eye contact
• Channel 7 secretly grooming Squires to take over ‘Wheel’
• Pretentious git takes up yachting
• Diesel shirt more polluting than LPG equivalent
• Colonel Sanders court-martialled for ‘mashies’ ad
• Gideon tired of forgetting his bible in hotel rooms
• Anthony Mundine given long odds against shadow boxer
• Radio DJ tries to find link between song he just played and topic he’s talking about
• Management consultant unable to explain what she does for a living
• Advertised “huge DVD sale” turns out to only apply to Westerns, Adam Sandler movies
• Adult at restaurant secretly desperate to order pink lemonade
• Law graduate does token stint at community legal centre before joining top firm
• Teen movie features gratuitous shower-perving scene
• UK tabloid releases exclusive first pics of Diana’s rotting skeleton
• Infomercial product less impressive when delivered
• Discount supermodel gets out of bed for $9999.99
• Man unsuccessfully argues his MC Hammer pants have ironic kitsch cachet
• Experts tip Australia to retain rugby league world cup in 2006, 2010, 2014, 2018, 2022, 2026, 2030, 2034, 2040...
• Drunken man confident about his masculinity
• Poorly drawn picture only tells 700 words
• Work still heavy despite many hands
• Fat person describes fatter person as “healthy-sized”

Sourced from CNNNN