‘Languages’ category — Ned Martin’s Amused
Ned Martin’s Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn’t amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin’s Amused Categories
aboriginal accidents advertising aeroplanes africa agony aunt alcohol alligators alphabet america animals animated apple apples april fools art asian audio australia babies balloons bananas banks bathrooms batman beaches bears beds beer bikes billboards bill gates birds blonde board games boats bones boobs books bras bread brisbane britain browsers bsod bugs bunnies buses business cards calendars camping canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts cheating chickens children chinese chocolate chris coutts chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking coronavirus cows crocodiles crocs daleks darth vader dating dear abby democracy dinosaurs disaster doctors dogs dolphins donkeys driving drugs drunk dr who ducks earth earthquake easter education eggs egyptians einstein elderly elephants emus english evolution exams explosions facebook families famous people fans fashion feminine hygiene feminists fire firefox fish fishing flash flies flowcharts fonts food football france frogs fruit funerals games gay geeky george bush germany giraffes girls god grammar guns halloween hands harry potter hats heaven history horror movies horses ikea illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphone 6 ireland irish it jail jewish jobs joke jokes kangaroos kevin rudd kitchens kittens koalas kookaburras kristen stewart languages laptops libraries lightbulbs linux lions logan lord of the rings love mac magpies marijuana mario marriage math mayans medical memory men messages meth microsoft milk mobiles money monopoly moose mothers motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians muslim newspapers new zealand ninjas no effort online nokia north korea notices nsw obama ocd oceans opera otters paper parenting parking parrots penguins petrol phones photography pie charts pigs pirates pizza police political politicians posters predictions pregnancy protests psychotherapists puns queensland quotations rabbits racing racist racoons rallies redheads redneck reincarnation relationships religious rice risqué roads robots rock rocks romance safari samsung school science scott morrison seagulls seals sex sexist sharks ships shirts shoes shopping shops signs sms snakes snow space spelling spiders sport spying sql star wars steve jobs stickers submarines sunbathing sunburn superman tattoos teachers technology telstra terrorism the rock toilets tongues tools toys trees trucks tshirts turtles tv underwear unicycles university usb vegan vegetables vintage war warnings whales wifi wikileaks windows wine witches women woolworths words work zebras zombies
The Poodle And The Leopard
Experience trumps youth.
I Was Going To Make A Joke About A Bank, But Then I Lost Interest…
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
Helpful Hints
Helpful Hints
Perfect Existence
Perfect Existence: The Proof
90’s Gamer
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90’s…
Stress Management
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
Toilet Vandalism
We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like…
Best Way To Freak Out Your Friends
Best way to freak out your friends: Do not open unless you plan to kill it (written on an upside down container)
Please, Dave… Please Don’t Let Me Be Locked Out From You!
Please, Dave… please don’t let me be locked out from you! For complete feminine hygiene rely on Lysol – a concentrated germ-killer!
Man & Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University…
The Best Photo Caption
A western woman in Africa—presumably a tourist—squats to go to the toilet in the bush, pants down, toilet paper in hand, her backpack in the grass nearby; unaware a lion is sneaking up behind her. Captioned “if she hasn’t… she will soon”.
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be silly, feminists can’t change anything!
Husband Glasses
I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.
Submarines In The Sky
Did you know that there are more planes in the sea than there are submarines in the sky?
Dealing With Hunger Pangs
A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs a slice of toast and, maybe, some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
If A Man Says He Will Fix It, He Will
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
Replace The Word “wand” With “dick” In Any Sentence In Harry Potter
Replace the word “wand” with “dick” in any sentence in Harry Potter…
“Understanding Women” Now Available In Paperback
The book “Understanding Women” is now available in paperback!
Today Is Sunday
Attention! Today is Sunday. Share this on your Facebook wall. Within seven days you’ll get another Sunday…
When Someone Yells “STOP”…
When someone yells “STOP”, I never know if it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
Honest Politician
Hi! I’m 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest. Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.
Just Checking
“Just doing a spot-check to see what you’re doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!” The expression on this ostrich’s face is excellent.
The Average Human Body Contains Enough Bones
The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire human skeleton.
Letter To A Mother / School Report
It is with great happiness that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend…
You Have Two Cows
The eponymous cows is used to demonstrate the advantages and flaws of certain economic systems.
america animals australia britain cows india irish political
Where Was I Before I Was So Rudely Interrupted?
[Kevin Rudd] Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
Largest Goon Bust In Logan’s History
Logan police in conjunction with the A.F.P. hauled in the largest goon bust in Logan’s history. With an estimated street value of $39.
Grocery Shopping On An Empty Stomach
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.
A Beer Before It Starts
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”…
Geek Meditation Session
In your mind’s browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
Problem Solving Flowchart
A simple, and humorous, flowchart that successfully troubleshoots almost any problem you can think of.
Keep Off The Grass
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
Black Jack Black
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
One Thing Led To Another
I hate when you’re reading something and you come across the phrase “one thing led to another”
The Book Of Irish Dance: Volume Two
Whilst doing a long overdue clearout at the offices of Ireland’s oldest and most respected school of dance, Mrs O’Hara made a terrible discovery…
Kristen Stewart Smiles
I don’t always smile, but when I do, I don’t.
hunger games imagery katniss everdeen kristen stewart movies movie stars smiling twilight
Scientific Breakthrough – Governmentium
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Held Hands Around The Equator
If the human population held hands around the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.
Creative Apple MacBook Stickers
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
apple computers decals imagery laptops mac macbook stickers technology
I’m Starting To Think My Husband Masturbates
I’m not absolutely certain yet, but I’m starting to think my husband masturbates
Explain These Bad Grades
1969: A child’s parents blame him for his bad grades. Today: A child’s parents blame his teacher for his bad grades.
Chris Brown & Rihanna Bananas
I can’t believe she didn’t press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
Cat: The Dog Went Missing
Cat: The dog went missing? Hahaha! Hahaha! I’m sorry human. Hahaha… no seriously, I’m so sad…
Did You Know There Is A Species Of Antelope Capable Of Jumping Higher Than The Average House?
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
There Are Three Kinds Of People: Impatient, Patient, And Rich.
There are three kinds of people: Impatient, patient, and rich.
Got To Love Drunk People
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…
Penrose Triangle
Penrose Triangle Animation.
animated illusion imagery impossible triangle penrose triangle
Mayans Predicting The Future
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
Policeman’s Ball
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A NSW Police Officer walked to her car window flipping open his ticket book. She said “I bet you are going to try and sell me a ticket to the Policeman’s Ball.” He said, “NSW Police don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence. Then he closed his book, tipped his hat, and got back in his patrol car and left!
Argument Typo
Heh I was almost forced to face the fact that my argument was bad but I see here that you made a typo hahaha tough luck pal.
A True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s (supposedly) true.
Monopoly Money For Fake Boobs
I think it’s only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
I Can’t Believe The “WMD” Trick Is Working Again With Iran
I can’t believe the “WMD” trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
george bush imagery iran political weapons of mass destruction wmd
Va-Rice-Ity: My Man Likes Something Unexpected…
My man likes something unexpected now and then. That’s why I serve him rice.
How Could You Be So Insensitive?
How Could You Be So Insensitive? This is what it looks like from the other person’s perspective.
Aboriginal Eggs
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
Re-Think Vaccines
Next time someone tells you to re-think vaccines, show them this.
aeroplanes buses cars electricity firefighters imagery vaccines
Give A Man A Fish And He Has Food For A Day
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
IE Retarded
I hope he doesn’t say something retarded…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer opera safari
Where Is Amanda’s Husband?
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John…
How To Make Sure You’re A Normal Person
A quick and easy test to determine if you are a normal person…
What Would Robots From The 1960's…
What would robots from 1960’s and 1970’s TV say today with current software installed?
In Wine There Is Truth
In Wine there is Truth. In Beer there is Strength. In Water there is Bacteria.
Congress: Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?
Congress: have you tried turning it off and on again?
My Computer Hard Drive Crashed. NSA Won’t Send Me Their Backup Copy.
My computer hard drive crashed. NSA won’t send me their backup copy.
Already Exists
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
An Atheist, A Jew, And A Christian Walk Into A Bar…
An atheist, a Jew, and a Christian walk into a bar…
How To Offend Four Groups Of Geeks With One Picture
How to offend four groups of geeks with one picture.
gandalf harry potter imagery lord of the rings patrick stewart star trek star wars
IPhone 10 – The Tallest IPhone Yet
A mock-up of the iPhone 10, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5.
Remember To Wash Your Hands!
My drawing is not great but please remember to wash your hands. Stay safe guys!
Proof That Not Knowing Everything Is The Best Way To Go
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
Spider’s Remember
Remember when you threw a shoe at me and I fell somewhere behind the bed? I remember too.
Is There Anything Worse Than A Lego For Stepping On In The Middle Of The Night?
Is there anything worse than a Lego for stepping on in the middle of the night? A landmine.
Worst Apocalypse Ever
[A grumpy cat the day the Mayan calendar ended] “Still Here. Worst Apocalypse Ever.”
Confirmed Case Of Corona
Hey babe, just thought you should know there’s a confirmed case of corona in our neighbourhood…
Halloween Squirrel
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
Told Her Not To Brag About Her Barbie Dream House…
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
Afterburn - Whom Do You See?
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
The Most Difficult Thing To Explain To Someone From The 1950s
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
Chance Of Keeping Your Job If You’re Wrong More Than 75% Of The Time
Chance of keeping your job if you’re wrong more than 75% of the time.
Stop Surfing The Internet And Just Go To Bed
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
The Mystery Of The Mayan Calendar Revealed
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
america calendars imagery mayans obama political predictions
The Second Amendment: The Right To Bear Arms
The second amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms. I think many have taken this out of context.
america bear arms constitution democracy imagery second amendment
This Morning, I Was Beaten Up By A Busy Woman In An Elevator
This morning, I was beaten up by a busy woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “would you please press one?”. So I did. I don’t remember much after that.
26 Everyday Occurrences In Australia
When you live on a barely hospitable desert island that was once a continent-sized penal colony, your life tends to be a little more badass than the average person’s.
animals australia crocodiles emus imagery kangaroos koalas kookaburras police sharks spiders woolworths
What Are We? Browsers!
What are we? Browsers! What do we want? More speed! And when do we want it? Right now!
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer
Flying – Because Golf Only Takes One Ball
Flying – because softball, baseball, football, basketball, soccer, bowling and golf only take one ball.
Kneel, Says The Demon Light
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online: What Does Suxor Mean?
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online flash animations
Test Your Subconscious
This revolutionary test will expose the secret desires from your subconscious…
The Fellowship Of The Ring
The Fellowship of the Ring.
A Cop Just Pulled Me Over And Said “Papers”
A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers”… so I said “Scissors, I win” and drove off…
It Looks Like You Are Wasting Office Supplies. Would You Like Some Help?
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
How Did The Hipster Burn His Tongue?
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped on his coffee before it was cool.
We Forgot Our Shovels
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: “We have a problem.”
Drug Cats
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
acid animals cats cocaine coffee drugs heroin imagery marijuana mushrooms shrooms weed
Typically Australian Problems
Some typically Australian problems that other people don’t face.
animals australia cockatoos flies imagery kangaroos kookaburras magpies possums snakes spiders sunburn
Dear Thigh Fat
Help the needy?
Jam And Butter The Muddy Plasters, The Dirty Bucket Of Pitch!
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
Browsers: Their Differences
The differences between the major web browsers.
browsers chrome firefox imagery internet explorer opera safari
Humans Of Sunnybank
In Asia culture, it’s important for wife to trust husband and let him be the leader in the house. That’s why after I am married, I will always leave big decision to him – for example, choosing between buy me a Chanel for birthday or go sleep on sofa for a whole month instead.
Anyways, Best Of Luck Finding Your Fish
Long story short, we’re in love. I know it seems sudden but life is sudden like that, you know? Anyways, best of luck finding your fish.
Experts Recommend Keeping Your Daily Rituals Even While Working From Home
Experts recommend keeping your daily rituals even while working from home
Dear Abby, My Husband Is A Liar And A Cheat…
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything…
agony aunt cheating clinton dear abby dear abby political relationships
Zombie Apocalypse Spider
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse, when most of you can’t stand up to a spider.
I Absolutely Love Winter In Queensland.
I absolutely love winter in queensland. Last year it was a Wednesday.
2 Mayan Guys
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
What If The Beatles Had Been Computer Freaks?
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
Guts Or Balls?
We’ve all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
Sex Maniac
Dear Dr Ruth, I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
A Brief History Of Australia
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
Blind Pilots
You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die…
I Think It Is Just Terrible And Disgusting How Everyone Has Treated Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
New Seatbelt Design: 45% Less Car Accidents!
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
These Blast Points… Too Accurate For Sand People
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: “These blast points… too accurate for sand people”.
imagery movies obi-wan kenobi star wars terrorism world trade centre
Attention Deficit Disorder
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
Always Love A Woman For Her Personality
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Comments & Other Similar Social Data
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
Went To The Moon, Took 5 Photos. Went To The Bathroom, Took 37 Photos.
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Let’s Go For A Drink…
Goldstar Beer Ads: What goes through the mind of men and women when they’re asked to go for a drink…
“Hi Honey. This Is Daddy. Is Mummy Near The Phone?”
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
If Chinese People Tattooed Lame English Words On Themselves…
If Chinese people tattooed lame English words on themselves…
From The Minds Who Brought You CityCycle — UniCycle.
From the minds who brought you CityCycle — UniCycle. Brisbane’s brightest idea yet.
You Can’t Run Through A Campground
You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Morning Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
Expensive Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
All Others Will Be Toad
Private customer parking only. All others will be toad.
animals broomsticks cars frogs imagery parking princesses witches
Forgot I Was Sharing My Screen With Her
I was on an online conference call with a cute sounding girl, and googled her name out of curiosity. Forgot I was sharing my screen with her.
The Gender Neutral Term For Sugar Daddy
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
Out Of Breath
Dispatcher: Emergency Services, how may I help you?
Please Don’t Let The Cat Out. No Matter What It Tells You!
Please don’t let the cat out. No matter what it tells you!
Sledgehammer Psychology
A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner…
Mum, What’s It Like To Have The Greatest Daughter In The World?
Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… you’ll have to ask grandma.
What Are Your Plans For The Weekend?
What are your plans for the weekend? Studying. [shocked look] Drinking! Drinking!
Kim, Eat A Snickers
Kim Jong-un: I’m going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you’re hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
The Floor Is Still Wet
I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped…
Punny Animals
Who ever invented the “knock-knock jokes” should get a no-bell prize!
animals beavers birds cats dogs fish frogs horses imagery puns rabbits zebra
A Russian Arrives In New York
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States…
Aboriginal Jobs
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
Don’t Let Kevin Bacon Die
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
Obama: “Aww No! Both Of You Hang Up!”
Her: “Ok, you hang up.” Him: “No, you hang up.” Her: “Haha, no you hang up.” Obama: “Aww no! Both of you hang up!”
I Have CDO. It’s Like OCD But All The Letters Are In Alphabetical Order.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
Boat Funeral
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it…
I Wonder What I Would Look Like With A Six Pack?
I wonder what I would look like with a six pack? Ahh, much better!
Apple IPhone 20 & Samsung Galaxy S23 – Sword & Shield
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
advertising apple imagery iphone phones samsung samsung galaxy technology
Let’s All Take A Moment And Be Thankful That Spiders Don’t Fly.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don’t fly!
A Lemur Who Has Discovered The Wondrousness Of Cupcakes For The Fist Time.
A lemur who has discovered the wondrousness of cupcakes for the fist time.
Bicycles Chained To These Railings Will Be Removed Without Notice.
Bicycles chained to these railings will be removed without notice. This is a notice, you idiot!
The World’s Shortest Books
The World’s Shortest Books
Have You Seen This Bird?
I met this bird by the tree near the library. We chilled for like, 5 minutes, & then without any warning he just flew away. We really hit it off. So if you see him, please let him know I miss him.
You Weren’t Even Listening Just Now, Were You?
You weren’t even listening just now, were you? What a weird way to start a conversation.
I Usually Get 9/11
I don’t always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
Cars And Computers
General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
Canadian Security
Canadian Security: It may seem rude but for security reasons please do not open the door to strangers.
Will Be President For Food
Boy sitting next to sign “No Campaigning beyond This Point” holding sign “Will Be President for Food”.
Ten Pieces Of Bacon
If I had 10 pieces of bacon, and you took 4, what would you have? Yes, that’s right you’d have a black eye and a bruised hand.
What Kind Of Sorcery Lets These Two Blocks Be The Same Color?
One is dark, one is light. One is gray, one is white. These are obviously two different blocks with two different colors right? Wrong. The two blocks are the same color.
Cooking With Wine
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn’t go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
Saved A Fish From Drowning
Here is a heart warming picture of a little girl that saved a fish from drowning.
Complimentary Pretzels
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”
Finding Information In Hospital
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital…
Road Rage
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it…
How To Know When You’ve Met A Democrat
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you’ve met a Democrat…
Laurel And Hardy
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
If You Are Lonely, Dim All Lights
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
What Is The Smallest Calibre You Trust To Protect Yourself?
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us, and was she mad!
It Is Such A Drag When Someone In The Group Can’t Fly…
It is such a drag when someone in the group can’t fly… forcing everybody else to have to ride up the elevator too…
Ball-type Deodorant
Her: Is it the ball-type deodorant you want sir? Him: Oh no miss – it’s for under my arms!
Having More Money Doesn’t Make You Happier
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Take His Wife And Flee
It seems Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt! What happened to the flea?
Calm Living
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Edward Snowden Buys A Plane Ticket From Moscow To Havana…
Snowden buys a plane ticket from Moscow to Havana. Over 30 journalists pay last-minute airfare for a ticket on the same flight. The doors shut, the plane takes off, and [Edward] Snowden is not on the plane. It’s a 16-hour flight.
Wong Fook Hing Book Store
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you’re obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
If Your Phone Gets Wet, Try Placing It In A Bag Of Rice
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
Mayans Predicting The Hobbit Movie
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
Mayan Joke Set-Up
Heh… I’ve just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I’ll fetch a scribe…
Lying About Skim Milk
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.
I Will Deprive You Of Sex
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife’s tits in the morning.
Angela Merkel Arrives At Passport Control At Paris Airport…
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.”
A Signal They Forgot To Teach You In Your Open Water Class.
Big shark behind you: A signal they forgot to teach you in your open water class.
Drop Bears – Department Of Dangerous Fauna Management
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don’t become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
Ancient Egyptians: Posting Cats To Their Walls Since 3150 BC
Ancient Egyptians: Posting cats to their walls since 3150 BC
Ancient Japanese Proverb
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
Scary Campfire Stories: Book Style
And then… after they had ripped out half of her pages… they turned her… into a movie!
Missed You...
Image of a soldier pointing a gun towards the camera with caption “When you first left, I missed you badly… I WONT THIS TIME”
To Avoid Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes
To avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes, I gave my daughter a mix of dolls and toy cars to play with. This is what happened…
Accurate Animal Names: Australian Edition
Accurate Animal Names: Australian Edition
animals australia birds dingoes dolphins fish galahs imagery kangaroos koalas kookaburras parrots penguins snakes toads turtles
Bob Hawke’s Yard Of Ale
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that’s just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
Premature Ejaculators Anonymous
Man stating he ‘came too soon’ in front of sign stating ‘premature ejaculators anonymous’.
The Clever Old Man
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond…
DBA/SQL Humour
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”
Steady Hand – A Game Of Skill
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
A Woman Hid Under The Bed
To see her husband’s reaction, a woman wrote on a paper: “I left, I’m not coming back.” Hidden under the bed, the woman waited for her husband to arrive. He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote something on the paper, and put himself to sing, all satisfied. 5 minutes later, he took his cell phone and called someone: “I’m going now. The other nut’s gone. I’m on my way, remember I love you so much” He took the car and left. Mad in anger, the woman comes out under the bed and reads what he wrote… “I can see your feet. I went for bread. Stop being retarded and make dinner…”
Pregnancy & Women: Questions
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
Canadian Riots
Canadian Riots: Sorry to bother you, but perhaps you should take a break as our mayor?
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online: There’s Something About Osmethne
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online flash animations
Punography
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
The Modern Day Romantic
Goodnight my beautiful girl I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
Yo I’m Happy For You And Imma Let You Finish But…
[Twitter] Taylor Swift: @KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I’m happy for you and imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best labours of all time.
babies imagery kanye west kim kardashian phones sms taylor swift twitter
100 Guidelines On Becoming An Evil Villain
World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really…
Mayan’s Beta Calendar Bug
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that’s just a temporary problem in the beta version!
Paper Says Yes
Would you like a little piece of paper that says yes to hang onto during the tough times ahead? (Maybe it will help)
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
Positive For Coke
You’re fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
Elderly Memories
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen…
Moving Illusion
A psychedelic illusion where a brightly coloured non-moving image appears to be pulsating in and out.
How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If Penguins Have Knees
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep (the other wants to know if penguins have knees!)
For Too Long The Voice Of Women Has Been Silenced
For too long the voice of women has been silenced. It’s time they had microphones in kitchens.
Laminated Room
List of reasons why a room would have to contain a bucket and be almost entirely laminated: 1) Bad reasons.
The Girls Are Talking About Tampons
The Blonde: It’s invisible sanitary protection, thank heavens…
advertising feminine hygiene imagery risqué sexist tampons vintage
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
Sentence Structure: Why Sentence Structure Is Important
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
Paraprosdokians
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
How To Make Money From Facebook
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to “Account Settings”; 2) Press “Deactivate your account”; 3) Go to work.
Roast Turkey With A Doll Head
I was watching TV when I head my Dad in the kitchen laughing to himself. When I got up to see what he was doing, I walked in on this…
Alarm Clock That Releases Spiders
Million dollar idea… alarm clock that releases spiders! Now you’re up!
Sorry For Party Rocking
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
A Visual Representation Of Scott Morrison’s Address To The Nation
A visual representation of Scott Morrison’s address to the nation tonight
australia coronavirus imagery political politicians scott morrison
Australian Spider Bite
That spider bit me… am I going to become spiderman? No. This is Australia, you’re going to die.
An Irish Daughter Had Not Been To Her Parent's House For Over Five Years...
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent’s house for over five years…
My Dog Bailey Tried To Steal Stuff Out Of My Daughter’s Purse.
My dog Bailey tried to steal stuff out of my daughter’s purse. He got stuck and came over to me for help.
Hillary Clinton Goes To Her Doctor For A Physical…
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical…
I Just Burned 1500 Calories In About Five Minutes
I just burned 1500 calories in about five minutes. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password…
Real Life Facebook
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles…
Evolution: Stop Following Me!
The typical “evolution of man” poster, except the man is facing his “earlier ancestors” saying “Stop following me!”
I’m Really Afraid Of Johnny Depp
Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom. I’m really afraid of Johnny Depp.
Our Education System
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
animals dogs education elephants exams fish imagery monkeys penguins school seals
Good & Obedient Wives
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
How To Tell Alligators And Crocodiles Apart
It’s not that difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart…
Lance Armstrong Fiction Books
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including “Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion”, “The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program” and “Lance Armstrong: World’s Greatest Champion” will soon be moved to the fiction section.
How Did You Get In My House?
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need. Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
When A Woman Says “what?”
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Dormeyer Crying Wives
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
Browser Wars
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer
Thailand Has The Largest Mormon Population
Did you know Thailand has the largest Mormon population in Africa?
Master Has Presented Dobby With Clothes! Dobby Is Free!
Well I’m grounded. WTF did you do this time? My Mum asked me to do the laundry and threw a sock at me… I ran away screaming “Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!”
A Middle-aged Woman Decides To Have A Facelift…
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online: Tales For The L33T: ROMEO+JULIET
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online flash animations
Bad Dog Is Banned From The Park
I don’t know who this dog is or why he is banned from this park, but he certainly seems like a lot of fun.
Dear Abby, I’ve Never Written To You Before…
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision…
agony aunt cheating dear abby imagery motorbikes relationships sexist
Rejection Response
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following…
Shuffle Your Feet For Stingrays
Shuffle your feet for Stingrays: One of the many dangers in Australian waters.
What Is A Word Made Up Of 4 Letters Yet Is Also Made Up Of 3
What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
A message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
america britain political queen elizabeth ii queens racist royalty
The Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
Women Use About 30,000 Words A Day
Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?
Xbox One Vs. An Ordinary Brick
Xbox One vs. An Ordinary Brick: Price, DRM Free, Requires Internet, Region Locked…
Reverse Mermaid
You are alone on an uninhabited island. Which of these would you choose as your companion?
Foot Smart
See if you can outsmart your foot…
Vote Odin
The left wing said they’d abolish poverty; right wing said they’d abolish bureaucracy. Odin said he’d abolish ice giants. Where are the ice giants? Vote Odin!
Men’s Rules
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online: Tales For The L33T: PATR TOO: HAMLET
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online flash animations
Feminine Instincts
If a girl ever pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her feminine instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.
News Headlines
Amusing news headlines
Biology, Multiplication And Division
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
Comforting A Grammar Nazi
When comforting a grammar nazi, I always say softly, “there, their, they’re”
Apple IOS6 Maps
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
How To Sneak Chocolate Into An American Movie Theatre.
How to sneak chocolate into an American movie theatre.
Tomorrow (noun)
Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
Everything You Wanted To Know About Phobias
Everything you wanted to know about Phobias (but were afraid to ask)
I Took The Shell Off My Racing Snail, Thinking It Would Make Him Run Faster.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If You’re Not Doing Anything Wrong, You Shouldn’t Have Anything To Hide
The government says “If you’re not doing anything wrong, you shouldn’t have anything to hide.” If that is true, shouldn’t the government declassify everything?
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online: What Does Suxor Mean 2
Chris Coutts: No Effort Online flash animations
When I Grow Up… I Want To Be Like Mommy!
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
An Aussie Taxidermist In New Zealand…
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
What’s The Main Reason For Motorbike Accidents In Jamaica?
What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?
Animals That Didn’t Expect Their Humans To Come Home So Early!
Animals that didn’t expect their humans to come home so early!
Monster Energy Drinks & Rubiks Cubes
Monster energy drinks & Rubiks Cubes: Dude. You have a problem. Problem solved!
I Love My BSOD
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
boobs bsod computers fashion geeky imagery microsoft sexist shirts windows women
How People From Around The World Open Beer
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
Men Are Better Than Women!
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don’t go hauling them up a cliff…
Misspelt Blog Post
You wouldn't think anyone reads my blog. I haven’t got a comment in weeks. Misspell something…
Too Long
Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it! Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it!
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven: It doesn’t have any wall or fence…
apple bill gates computers heaven imagery microsoft phones religious steve jobs windows
A Physicist Sees A Young Man About To Jump Off The Empire State Building
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
Michael Jackson's Dog
A rather mean impression of what Michael Jackson’s dog might look like, if it had similar surgery.
Disclaimer, Copyright & Contact Information
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
When You Thought You Ran Over An Animal
When you thought you ran over an animal but it was just a person
Suffering From Capitalism
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
Brisbane, GTA Style
Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, GTA Style.
australia brisbane computer games explosions guns imagery police
May The 4th Be With You
If today is “May the 4th be with you” does that mean tomorrow is “revenge of the 5th?”
What’s Green, Fuzzy, And If It Fell Out Of A Tree It Would Kill You?
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
Most Dangerous Animals
How people in the colonies are still alive is beyond me…
alligators america animals australia bears birds crocodiles europe imagery moose puma rabbits sharks snakes spiders
Colgate Dental Floss Advertising Campaign
Colgate have created an ingenious campaign to promote their dental floss.
The 10 Commandments
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or parliament…
Battery Fully Charged. Unplug Charger.
In what is perhaps one of the more stupid “features” on my Samsung Galaxy Note, when it reaches full charge, it lights up its screen and pops up and audible alert saying “Battery fully charged. Unplug charger.” As I charge my phone at night, it is effectively an extremely annoying unwanted wake-up call.
Executive Test
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional”…
All This Technology Is Making Us Antisocial
All this technology is making us antisocial: A tram full of people ignoring each other and reading the newspaper.
Alcohol Is A Solution
Not to get technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Bribing Santa
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
This Year Thousands Of Men Will Die From Stubbornness…
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness. No we won’t.
Unexpected Item In Bagging Area.
It’s not unexpected, you literally just told me what it is…
Investment Opportunity
Investment Opportunity. Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
What Do You Call A Gun Enthusiast?
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home…
Campbell Newman: Public Service: You Can Trust Me
[Campbell Newman laughing] …and then I said to the public service… you can trust me…
American Bald Eagle Vs Australian Wedge Tail Eagle
American Bald Eagle vs. Australian Wedge Tail Eagle.
Ladies Beach Volleyball
Just been watching Ladies Beach Volleyball, and there’s already been a wrist injury… but I should be OK by Friday.
Be The First Of Your Friends To Like This Post.
A post with a poster on it, “Be the first of your friends to like this post”.
The Swordfish
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild, except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
Idiots
Idiots everywhere…
I’m Awkward When People Compliment Me…
I’m awkward when people compliment me… “Nice hair” Me: “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Paleolithic Diet
Something’s just not right—our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organit and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty.
Little Kid Lover
I’m signing up for an online dating service. I just need to pick a username. “Little Kid Lover”, that way people will know where my priorities are at.
Fifteen Things To Do At The Supermarket…
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse.
animals australia cats horse racing horses imagery jockeys melbourne cup sport
Notice
Notice is hereby given…
Minecraft: Create A Simple Door
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
computer games education games imagery internet minecraft school tests
Doctor Bob Had Sex With One Of His Patients…
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
Sometimes I Sit On The Floor And Put My Arms Around My Knees And Lean Forward
Dad: Sometimes I sit on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward. Daughter: Huh? Dad: Cuz that’s how I roll!
Keith Urban Accepted As Genuine Humanoid
Clint Felmingham: Did you know? Keith Urban is accepted by many Americans as a genuine humanoid/musician. Urban, a polymer composite (90% polyethene, 8% alcohol, 2% minor celebrity), was manufactured in Caboolture, Australia in 1987..
The Penis Study
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft…
Don’t You Suggest To Me What To Do
If you don’t have GIO Third Party Property Insurance, we suggest you don’t hit this bus.
Michelangelo: The Re-enactment
A re-enactment of Michelangelo’s famous “The Creation of Adam”.
art imagery michelangelo paintings reenactment sistine chapel
Your Child Is Being Eaten By A Camel
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
The Correct Way To Spell Potato
The correct way to spell potato is “GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU”.
Talking Clock
Why, that’s my Talking Clock…
Just To Make You Feel Really Old
Just to make you feel really old…
bugs bunny cartoons daffy duck donald duck goofy imagery looney tunes mickey mouse porky pig road runner tom and jerry wile e coyote
Damn Women Drivers
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
Text Of A Letter From A Kid From Eromanga To Mum And Dad.
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
A Baby’s Laughter Is One Of The Most Beautiful Sounds You’ll Ever Hear
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you’ll ever hear. Unless it’s 3 AM, you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
Tell Someone You Love Them Today
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
You Can See Me?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “you can see me?”
